monday's post
I don't like when I go an extended time without posting because for now writing is my creative outlet and i need it. I have had visual arts and culinary arts at other times; but for now it is writing.
I have a rolling document on the computer where i draft out possible posts; and just diarise my feelings and not all of it makes it on to here.
My holiday was good. lots of sun and fresh clean air; time with horses; viewings of deer, foxes, turkeys; loads of slobbery dog kisses. My parents seem in good spirits and health and their business is thriving.
Flying back here i had a large amount of emotional jet lag. When i mused over it, i realised that it was because now my universe and my parents are so different, that jumping in between is wrenching. And because my parents never had my experiences, and notwithstanding their visit here, they don't understand, and will not. It becomes conflicting when i won't ask them to understand, but they say they try but can't. I think that it would take too much energy for them, when they have other places to put that energy. They are very entrenched in their life to the extent that cannot empathise with one that is so different. our values at this point in our lives is too different. Both of us need to accept each other's chosen place. I think we are working on that. They did not try to persuade me to come home. They did ask if I planned to stay here, to which i replied yes, i am very happy here, and i am still getting so much out of it. i don't resent their chosen country life. But i am the planet that revolves around them and looks for ways to explore other parts of the universe. And their protective love feels insecure about this and they react by trying to use gravity to pull me back.
My work is getting busier, but i still plan to look for another job. Yet plan needs to turn into an active verb; planning doesn't pay you. I need to make more money if i want to buy a flat. Well, i need to stop spending money on clothes too, but i have not made much progress. How do you spell Neiman Marcus and Banana Republic? c-h-e-a-p. until you add it up...As my ex boss used to say, and i will quote him regardless of him being a prick, i will always out spend what i make, whatever i make.
My dating life is like a bag of mixed fruit and nuts. All of it good, some salty, some sweet, and varying textures. Whizzing around my head is the whole spectrum of opportunities, from blind date to the guy that hasn't ever quite exited the scene. Meanwhile, miss go london can't say she is in love, and doesn't have a boyfriend. So while the noise is louder, the sum total is the same.
Speaking of being the same, it has always been that try as hard as i can to be sophisticated and urbane, serene and confident, i always metaphorically trip and fall down the stairs. At least once a week. And if i am drunk, it isn't a metaphor. This weekend i threw myself off the eliptical machine and screamed to the consternation and judgement of the gym because a fly attacked my head. And then on a date, walking into a cafe, i asked a woman if we could sit outside. and she told me she didn't work there. Whoops. Note to self, look for the black server's apron. sigh. Whoever takes me on at some point is required to have a sense of humour.
I have a rolling document on the computer where i draft out possible posts; and just diarise my feelings and not all of it makes it on to here.
My holiday was good. lots of sun and fresh clean air; time with horses; viewings of deer, foxes, turkeys; loads of slobbery dog kisses. My parents seem in good spirits and health and their business is thriving.
Flying back here i had a large amount of emotional jet lag. When i mused over it, i realised that it was because now my universe and my parents are so different, that jumping in between is wrenching. And because my parents never had my experiences, and notwithstanding their visit here, they don't understand, and will not. It becomes conflicting when i won't ask them to understand, but they say they try but can't. I think that it would take too much energy for them, when they have other places to put that energy. They are very entrenched in their life to the extent that cannot empathise with one that is so different. our values at this point in our lives is too different. Both of us need to accept each other's chosen place. I think we are working on that. They did not try to persuade me to come home. They did ask if I planned to stay here, to which i replied yes, i am very happy here, and i am still getting so much out of it. i don't resent their chosen country life. But i am the planet that revolves around them and looks for ways to explore other parts of the universe. And their protective love feels insecure about this and they react by trying to use gravity to pull me back.
My work is getting busier, but i still plan to look for another job. Yet plan needs to turn into an active verb; planning doesn't pay you. I need to make more money if i want to buy a flat. Well, i need to stop spending money on clothes too, but i have not made much progress. How do you spell Neiman Marcus and Banana Republic? c-h-e-a-p. until you add it up...As my ex boss used to say, and i will quote him regardless of him being a prick, i will always out spend what i make, whatever i make.
My dating life is like a bag of mixed fruit and nuts. All of it good, some salty, some sweet, and varying textures. Whizzing around my head is the whole spectrum of opportunities, from blind date to the guy that hasn't ever quite exited the scene. Meanwhile, miss go london can't say she is in love, and doesn't have a boyfriend. So while the noise is louder, the sum total is the same.
Speaking of being the same, it has always been that try as hard as i can to be sophisticated and urbane, serene and confident, i always metaphorically trip and fall down the stairs. At least once a week. And if i am drunk, it isn't a metaphor. This weekend i threw myself off the eliptical machine and screamed to the consternation and judgement of the gym because a fly attacked my head. And then on a date, walking into a cafe, i asked a woman if we could sit outside. and she told me she didn't work there. Whoops. Note to self, look for the black server's apron. sigh. Whoever takes me on at some point is required to have a sense of humour.
posted by miss goLondon at 7:56 AM
3 Comments:
Welcome back, and a great post.
I too use a rolling document to write my posts... I fiddle with them a while until, in no particular, they're good enough to publish. This means the entries are in no real chronological order. But hey.
I think everyone thinks their parents won't understand... but some of us are right. There's plenty about my life that I'm fairly sure my parents truly, definitely wouldn't understand. And if I told them they'd never look at me the same way again.
I worry sometimes, about how much we've managed to disconnect, in just one generation. And I fear for the next.
OE
"So while the noise is louder, the sum total is the same..." I love that phrase. And, actually, can relate more than I want to.
I think that it's okay for you and your parents to be in different places (other than geographically). It doesn't even necessarily need empathy, it just needs acceptance, and that seems to be what you have.
We'll have to swap dating stories and talk metaphysics at some point, Holly. Maybe another bottle of wine or three?
"i always metaphorically trip and fall down the stairs. At least once a week."
I too am a self-professed Klutz. Just last weekend I wore the WRONG flip flops while out strolling and nearly did the splits twice when they hydroplaned on the sidewalk (it was rainy).
After a near slip-trifecta, I put my head down and ran for the subway in hopes of anonymity and traction. For shame, but the usual...:-)
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