We never take our own advice do we?
There has been a saga playing itself out in the background of my life.
A half a year from the last snog and about one year from the one and only formal date, the emotional golf game begins again. He was insterting himself into my life; I had noticed a higher frequency of communication, texting and calling, and allusions to hanging out. I had been contemplating this new NBF friendship thing. Is it something I wanted? Was it healthy for me? Should it be in my life or should I walk away. Besides thinking on these things, my strategy was to not encourage or initiate contact. Regardless, of my lack of initiation, he did enough for both of us. And there we were, talking almost everyweek. Then, one day, the proactive offer to help me move; which he flaked on but rescheduled. And he sacrificed a big football game day.
Looking back now, that evening seems surreal. He helped me around the house, and we had a fun time, laughing, with a hint of flirting. I was telling myself to close the box of feelings, just feel out this friendship, but i had the choice of choosing the friendship. The concept of "I can just be friends because i am a big person" is overrated. This is my life, my feelings and I can be selfish with them. If being a friend emits a low constant whine of hurt and frustration, then I need to do what I need to do to make it stop. However, had not decided, and we were having a nice time that evening.
How many times did he say he was enjoying the evening? He asked me lots of questions about me. Called me holls. Told me he wanted us to hang out more. He would fix my bike and we could train together. Said he would get a vespa helmet for me. Brought up we should go to the theatre above our local pub. Wanted to help more with DIY in the future. I remember thinking, there is a lot of him + me that is supposed to be happening in the future…what is going on! Then he isn't leaving. We finished eating the burgers I made us, and I stand up and tug on his arms to help him up, he is protesting that I am kicking him out. And then the kiss.
He started it. 2 long ones. And then the talk. I say what is that for, i don't understand. I am so proud of myself for saying to him that I am one confused girl, what is this? And making him explain. And he says we hve tried the friend thing. lets try hanging out and getting to know each other; he tells me that he has grown up. And the work thing doesn't bother him. He says we had so much fun on that one date, lets keep hanging out. He had already invited himself to a birthday drinks thing on Friday.
I felt very topsy turvey. As you do when a feeling that you repress gets told that its object is ready to explore and experience.
And now I feel deflated and numb. As you do when someone's actions completely belie their words over a period of 3 weeks after this "things have changed" conversation.
The conversation where I was told to fuck off, regarding the bikini thing at my Conversational Ability post? That was him on the Friday night birthday drinks. Opposite to the night described above, he was mean spirited, tense and stand-offish, prone to very sarcastic comments. That Wednesday, he started snogging me. On Friday, in response to his aloofness, I said, what is the deal, you had said we tried the platonic thing, but I am confused as to if you even want to get together and kiss. His response was to say, I don't think I would have a problem with that. Really, you think? And at times he would flip to being funny and charming. At one point i cried with laughter. and then flip. Personality disorder?
Since then? He texted me on that Sunday. I emailed during the week. He texted me several times whilst I was in the US, even signing with an X. I emailed him when I got in, he e/m back lets set something up ex-office. He says how about Sunday, should be home from my parents for dinner and movie maybe? I text him over weekend and say how is Sunday looking? He texts will call to confirm. He bails: texts me on sunday that he cant make it. And now,I have seen him a couple of times in the hall and we have waved. He came in once to my office after a meeting and chatted a bit; I was busy with work and slightly dismissive (with a smile).
So, it has been about a month later from his convo about doing things a different way. Where have all our "lets do stuff" plans gone? Last I heard, he broke off plans with me and I have not heard e/m or text or call since. A wave in the hall seems very meagre. I mentioned golf earlier because I feel that he likes to know there is opportunity and options for him emotionally. I would venture a guess that his ego drives, no pun intended, him to see if he is liked. So he sets up on this emotional green, tees off, and then runs away. And eventually he will make his way on the putting green. But another year later?
I have decided to break up our friendship. I was interested in a healthy lets hang out relationship. More than interested, i was excited and it made me happy. But I am not interested, because it is not healthy for me, in a back and forth here I am oh just kidding thing. Next time he decides to tip toe forward, I am calling him out. What happened to what you were saying? What is going on in your head? Are you happy back to the coffee here and there, witty email banter here and there? And then say I am not interested, officially breaking off the friendship. You are a great guy, but this dynamic wastes my time. Let's put distance between us, and take care. Which is just me telling him the truth. I now have to decide to let him creep back to me and wait for next he suggest a casual catch up; or pester him for a coffee/out of office catch up. Much different than the movie he played for me when he was over at my place, e.g. wanting to come over to dinner more often.
On the theme of letting go and opening up, i have added a FlickR link in my site links sidebar.
A half a year from the last snog and about one year from the one and only formal date, the emotional golf game begins again. He was insterting himself into my life; I had noticed a higher frequency of communication, texting and calling, and allusions to hanging out. I had been contemplating this new NBF friendship thing. Is it something I wanted? Was it healthy for me? Should it be in my life or should I walk away. Besides thinking on these things, my strategy was to not encourage or initiate contact. Regardless, of my lack of initiation, he did enough for both of us. And there we were, talking almost everyweek. Then, one day, the proactive offer to help me move; which he flaked on but rescheduled. And he sacrificed a big football game day.
Looking back now, that evening seems surreal. He helped me around the house, and we had a fun time, laughing, with a hint of flirting. I was telling myself to close the box of feelings, just feel out this friendship, but i had the choice of choosing the friendship. The concept of "I can just be friends because i am a big person" is overrated. This is my life, my feelings and I can be selfish with them. If being a friend emits a low constant whine of hurt and frustration, then I need to do what I need to do to make it stop. However, had not decided, and we were having a nice time that evening.
How many times did he say he was enjoying the evening? He asked me lots of questions about me. Called me holls. Told me he wanted us to hang out more. He would fix my bike and we could train together. Said he would get a vespa helmet for me. Brought up we should go to the theatre above our local pub. Wanted to help more with DIY in the future. I remember thinking, there is a lot of him + me that is supposed to be happening in the future…what is going on! Then he isn't leaving. We finished eating the burgers I made us, and I stand up and tug on his arms to help him up, he is protesting that I am kicking him out. And then the kiss.
He started it. 2 long ones. And then the talk. I say what is that for, i don't understand. I am so proud of myself for saying to him that I am one confused girl, what is this? And making him explain. And he says we hve tried the friend thing. lets try hanging out and getting to know each other; he tells me that he has grown up. And the work thing doesn't bother him. He says we had so much fun on that one date, lets keep hanging out. He had already invited himself to a birthday drinks thing on Friday.
I felt very topsy turvey. As you do when a feeling that you repress gets told that its object is ready to explore and experience.
And now I feel deflated and numb. As you do when someone's actions completely belie their words over a period of 3 weeks after this "things have changed" conversation.
The conversation where I was told to fuck off, regarding the bikini thing at my Conversational Ability post? That was him on the Friday night birthday drinks. Opposite to the night described above, he was mean spirited, tense and stand-offish, prone to very sarcastic comments. That Wednesday, he started snogging me. On Friday, in response to his aloofness, I said, what is the deal, you had said we tried the platonic thing, but I am confused as to if you even want to get together and kiss. His response was to say, I don't think I would have a problem with that. Really, you think? And at times he would flip to being funny and charming. At one point i cried with laughter. and then flip. Personality disorder?
Since then? He texted me on that Sunday. I emailed during the week. He texted me several times whilst I was in the US, even signing with an X. I emailed him when I got in, he e/m back lets set something up ex-office. He says how about Sunday, should be home from my parents for dinner and movie maybe? I text him over weekend and say how is Sunday looking? He texts will call to confirm. He bails: texts me on sunday that he cant make it. And now,I have seen him a couple of times in the hall and we have waved. He came in once to my office after a meeting and chatted a bit; I was busy with work and slightly dismissive (with a smile).
So, it has been about a month later from his convo about doing things a different way. Where have all our "lets do stuff" plans gone? Last I heard, he broke off plans with me and I have not heard e/m or text or call since. A wave in the hall seems very meagre. I mentioned golf earlier because I feel that he likes to know there is opportunity and options for him emotionally. I would venture a guess that his ego drives, no pun intended, him to see if he is liked. So he sets up on this emotional green, tees off, and then runs away. And eventually he will make his way on the putting green. But another year later?
I have decided to break up our friendship. I was interested in a healthy lets hang out relationship. More than interested, i was excited and it made me happy. But I am not interested, because it is not healthy for me, in a back and forth here I am oh just kidding thing. Next time he decides to tip toe forward, I am calling him out. What happened to what you were saying? What is going on in your head? Are you happy back to the coffee here and there, witty email banter here and there? And then say I am not interested, officially breaking off the friendship. You are a great guy, but this dynamic wastes my time. Let's put distance between us, and take care. Which is just me telling him the truth. I now have to decide to let him creep back to me and wait for next he suggest a casual catch up; or pester him for a coffee/out of office catch up. Much different than the movie he played for me when he was over at my place, e.g. wanting to come over to dinner more often.
On the theme of letting go and opening up, i have added a FlickR link in my site links sidebar.
posted by miss goLondon at 10:44 AM
4 Comments:
You know as soon as you cutoff the friendship he will suddenly HAVE to have you in his life.... That's the way men have always worked with me anyway. Good luck!
"If being a friend emits a low constant whine of hurt and frustration, then I need to do what I need to do to make it stop...." I thought that was an interesting thing to say. I agree with it entirely, by the way, but respect you for going with it.
And the sad fact is, talk is cheap, Holly. In my experience, things like this happen when someone feels like they need an emotional connection, or to fill some kind of void, or to just boost their self-esteem. It's about THEM and their needs, and often means very little. I think your response is just as it should be, and as it needs to be.
I like the pictures on your flickr page...
The conumdrum of men and women as firends or not...
fb, i am glad you like my pictures.
you are right AWBT, which means the critical point is up to me. does one relent at this point, or have no means no. in my heart, i know this is it. becuase i feel liberated by my decision, i know i have steered myself correctly. which happens less frequently than i would like.
i will absolutely post after the impending convo.
WDKY, you are one of the few people to pick up the THEIR self-esteem point. i am a self-esteem doll for this person. this occurs in most relationships, but usually at a small and mutual level. Here, we have a unilateral abusive situation. no more. on to my 3 dates this week....
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