X Factor
Yesterday afternoon I met with a man that I had dated about 21/2 years ago. He and I went out long distance (Oz-US) for about 9 months. Unbenkownst to me, he still had his heart tied to his ex, and she started winding him up at which point he let go of our relationship. I must add that he did this without much communication, honesty or respect to myself.
Briefly, I had a friend of his staying at my flat, he was supposed to arrive in town and the three of us take his niece to a tour of US colleges. He came in town, i met him and his friends after work, he was hitting on another ex girlfriend and whenI walked up to the restaurant they were walking away, embracing. He wouldn't talk to me and explain to me what was going on; I left the venue, told him to call me to talk (and we were supposed to be leaving on our road trip in 2 days). I got a text 2 weeks later saying sorry.
That was about it, except for a couple of emails in which I asked for an explanation but did not get a honest or complete answer. Just the "you are a great girl, but" line. At least i was able to write to him "you can fuck me, but you can't fuck me over; I know you are not being honest with me".
Fast forward the dvd: I get an email that he is moving to London. In less than a week. Ironically, he is partly responsible for the move. My first trip here was to see him. We talked about moving here as a halfway between Dallas and Sydney. Our relationship ended, but my desire to move here did not.
So dear reader, although we had called a truce and been "friends" for the last several months, he always was trying to pull me (to the dark side). I refused. Honestly, I have no romantic desire of feeling for him. And let me tell you, trusting yourself on that point has to be one of the greatest confidence achievements. It gives one alot of strength.
Now that he was going to be in "my city", it seemed to me that we had to have a discussion of us; and importantly our fallout because we both had avoided the subject; painted it over with other colours, in a way. I would like him as a friend; I never want him as more than that. honesty was called for, and some honest discussion.
I was hanging back a bit when we met up because it took me awhile to bring it up. But I did, and I am very glad I did. I felt strong, and glad that I took the iniative to say what neither of us had discussed but had to be thinking. I also felt like it was me asserting who i was now, rather than letting vestiges of an old me, who was not good at confrontation or communication. The effect was positive too. Of course he began to act as if of course we could only be friends, and that had been his opinion to (this from the man that an hour earier, upon hearing of my single status, said "excellent"). And i was quite blunt about wanting him to know what the fallout of our breakup had been, how difficult it was, that the effect was to be stronger but to be completely devoid of and sentimentality when it came to thoughts about he and I. Again, I was quiet specific that I said yes to being friends, but I would not look kindly on him hitting on me at the end of an evening that we had been hanging out.
We hugged after the talk. Also interesting was that after saying just friends, i began talking about the break up and he tried to stop me and saying, its okay, we don't have to talk about that. I then looked at him and said, actually the point is that we do. Being strong, and being able to say what is in your heart, is one of the best feelings in the world. Chocolate and sex with someone you care about and trust is right up there too. Lucky for me, you can by the former at a grocers.
Briefly, I had a friend of his staying at my flat, he was supposed to arrive in town and the three of us take his niece to a tour of US colleges. He came in town, i met him and his friends after work, he was hitting on another ex girlfriend and whenI walked up to the restaurant they were walking away, embracing. He wouldn't talk to me and explain to me what was going on; I left the venue, told him to call me to talk (and we were supposed to be leaving on our road trip in 2 days). I got a text 2 weeks later saying sorry.
That was about it, except for a couple of emails in which I asked for an explanation but did not get a honest or complete answer. Just the "you are a great girl, but" line. At least i was able to write to him "you can fuck me, but you can't fuck me over; I know you are not being honest with me".
Fast forward the dvd: I get an email that he is moving to London. In less than a week. Ironically, he is partly responsible for the move. My first trip here was to see him. We talked about moving here as a halfway between Dallas and Sydney. Our relationship ended, but my desire to move here did not.
So dear reader, although we had called a truce and been "friends" for the last several months, he always was trying to pull me (to the dark side). I refused. Honestly, I have no romantic desire of feeling for him. And let me tell you, trusting yourself on that point has to be one of the greatest confidence achievements. It gives one alot of strength.
Now that he was going to be in "my city", it seemed to me that we had to have a discussion of us; and importantly our fallout because we both had avoided the subject; painted it over with other colours, in a way. I would like him as a friend; I never want him as more than that. honesty was called for, and some honest discussion.
I was hanging back a bit when we met up because it took me awhile to bring it up. But I did, and I am very glad I did. I felt strong, and glad that I took the iniative to say what neither of us had discussed but had to be thinking. I also felt like it was me asserting who i was now, rather than letting vestiges of an old me, who was not good at confrontation or communication. The effect was positive too. Of course he began to act as if of course we could only be friends, and that had been his opinion to (this from the man that an hour earier, upon hearing of my single status, said "excellent"). And i was quite blunt about wanting him to know what the fallout of our breakup had been, how difficult it was, that the effect was to be stronger but to be completely devoid of and sentimentality when it came to thoughts about he and I. Again, I was quiet specific that I said yes to being friends, but I would not look kindly on him hitting on me at the end of an evening that we had been hanging out.
We hugged after the talk. Also interesting was that after saying just friends, i began talking about the break up and he tried to stop me and saying, its okay, we don't have to talk about that. I then looked at him and said, actually the point is that we do. Being strong, and being able to say what is in your heart, is one of the best feelings in the world. Chocolate and sex with someone you care about and trust is right up there too. Lucky for me, you can by the former at a grocers.
posted by miss goLondon at 8:43 AM
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