the day after

again, again, i come to work very tired, headache, and feeling as if someone out there is mad at me. ah, the now typical and routine hangover. I have been out 6 nights in a row now, and last night i got really silly on champagne. I made a really stupid comment that i think came from a hiding resentment that i didn't know i had about the firm's charity fashion show (namely that i was not in it). and i made a comment to a partner. open mouth insert foot how horribly rude. i have no idea why inner monologue slash bitch just flew out of my mouth. and i feel bad about it too. i did talk to him later and maybe made up for some of it...but he probably just thinks i am a bad person. but my friend overheard me and took me to task. as she should i am glad she did. i really don't even remember saying it; it was that much of a hidden blurp.

then i left with jo in a taxi, knowing i was silly and i really needed to go home. so drunk was i that i didn't truly comprehend that she was upset about work. i should have been more sensitive. but, no! no me gusta me right now. then we had some conversation, i know a bit was about a crush i have on someone she knows, but i am not sure how much i said. i need to know if i spilled the beans 10% or 110%....oh dear. she seems amused by me, but not mad. so we will go see a movie this weekend and damage control that one item. i do remember getting home in cab, and getting ready for bed by actually washing and lotioning my face....but i don't remember being ashamed or embarrassed or oopsy about anything i said... and lets face it, i have many things under wraps right now.

one of them is going to Norwich to do a photo shoot to try out for a potential agent. Bring on the presenting career! we will see. i think it is fun to push the boundries of how you see yourself and what your abilities are. confidence won is confidence that is hard to part with I believe.

I am still thinking about going to talk with this other firm about a new position. But, after talking with the woman who works with me that is leaving here, I know that there would be a really ugly, nasty exit here. That is worrysome. And i have respect and good feelings for where i work now and even the partners, as mercurial as the leading lady can be. It would all be ruined. I had thought an option would be to say look, this is what i can do in the market, can you match the offer? but having thought about it more, i think they would take a huge offence and push me out for even thinking it. punish me for playing games in a way. sigh. so what to do now? i may still go talk to the other firm for the experience, and just play things as they come. and i will keep searching for more information on personalities involved so that i can understand the consequences of my decision. if only we could do that in all aspects of our lives. especially the romatic ones.