cross border blues 2

I have a family hangover. but i can't drink anymore of them until christmas time when the annual family eggnog will be out for us to partake in. Arriving back from a weekend with my visiting parents and sister, i am going through the usual mixed bag of missing them, wishing i could redo the experience and say not so many nagging things, and be a more perfect daughter. but there is also the relief of having some space, and being able to live my life as i want and understand it, instead of knowing that the choices i make don't make sense in their world as defined by their priorities in life.

at least my parents know i love them very much. despite all the family anxiety that we interbreed when amongst each other. despite all promises to oneself not to wind up or be a overbearing control freak. but relearning your parents as humans and not just as parents and having the space of an ocean to act as a binocular looked through the odd way, is painful. I love my dad but sometimes his pomposity grates on my nerves. I love my mother, but her she does not listen and repeats her desire to give you something until you take it just to get her to stop. i don't like that as a passive control mechanism. no,mom, i dont' need any more milk. no really i don't please i am sure, i know i need calcium, yes it tastes fine, ok just one sip, mom that is a whole new glass!

I did not get much sleep last night because i kept thinking that i did not adequately thank my parents for their generous gifts of the holiday, our lodging and nice places to eat. i must send them a thank you card to assuage current guilt. and bring loads of Christmas pressies.