no harm, no fowl.
Is your idea of a date to be taken to one of the nicest spas in London, have two hours worth of treatments (on my own) then taken to a sushi dinner (Japanese theme - spa and dinner), all without, hmm, how to euphemism this, Taking One For The Team? If so, then i went on one of those..... nice, but confusing. For me it is disconcerting, being uncertain of the other person's agenda.
My groceries for the dinner were not used, as i went home unescorted after dinner. So i made it for myself last night. NB - grilled fresh figs stuffed with goat cheese as a topping for vanilla bean ice cream, already topped with chocolate sauce, is awesome.
I do not understand nor have a template for this phenomenon, ie absence of expected quid pro quo. I could be being naive, and this guy is actually quite odd even to the women in his home country. how would i know? what i initially define as cultural differences may not be that. he could be just an odd duck.
I also recently escorted a guy "off the premises". he was borderline stalker. we went for coffee once, but subsequent to the 1.5 hour conversation, his messages and communications to me seemed to spawn from a the reaction to a different person. it was as if there was an alternate universe miss gl who was giving him positive romantic feedback and he was responding accordingly...in my reality this was not occurring, so his escalating amorous communiques were puzzling, aggressive feeling and annoying. there are people out there who manipulate you through abusing what they assume will be your reticence borne out of socialised politeness. They push you where they want you to go, relying on your uncomfortably with being direct about not wanting to move in that direction.
and then, there is me. i have no issues playing the [direct/blatant/ugly] american card and believe my time is precious. if i have a instinct that it is not worth my time getting to know you, then don't try to make me feel bad about that and get me to spend time with you.
here is the email, in case you ever need it as a template:
I may be reading in too much, but you seem to be using awfully strong language such as loveya, and loads of love, and have spoken to all your friends about me, all in the context of a person you have met... Once and a half times?
Before further confusion can occur, I am going to be honest and direct in my american fashion and let you know that I am not in the market to find a boyfriend or be in a romantic relationship. I can only offer you a friendship. And we dont know each other very well actually. I think you may be rushing in, and making assumptions about me and where I am coming from. Not that you have asked, but I am seeing someone, although they live in another country.... I am flattered by your willingness to create time to get to know me better in light of your obvious intelligence. I appreciate you offer to go to the book signing XYZ, but I am really uninterested in politics. And I can't understand the politics here at all. I think I am too old to try!
So, if you want to meet up here and there as friends, that would be great, and thus you should keep in touch.
I am sure this is an awkward email to read, and I do apologize. I hope you have a great time out in Country X and have fun as well as work.
Warm regards
don't be chicken about being cruel to be kind.
My groceries for the dinner were not used, as i went home unescorted after dinner. So i made it for myself last night. NB - grilled fresh figs stuffed with goat cheese as a topping for vanilla bean ice cream, already topped with chocolate sauce, is awesome.
I do not understand nor have a template for this phenomenon, ie absence of expected quid pro quo. I could be being naive, and this guy is actually quite odd even to the women in his home country. how would i know? what i initially define as cultural differences may not be that. he could be just an odd duck.
I also recently escorted a guy "off the premises". he was borderline stalker. we went for coffee once, but subsequent to the 1.5 hour conversation, his messages and communications to me seemed to spawn from a the reaction to a different person. it was as if there was an alternate universe miss gl who was giving him positive romantic feedback and he was responding accordingly...in my reality this was not occurring, so his escalating amorous communiques were puzzling, aggressive feeling and annoying. there are people out there who manipulate you through abusing what they assume will be your reticence borne out of socialised politeness. They push you where they want you to go, relying on your uncomfortably with being direct about not wanting to move in that direction.
and then, there is me. i have no issues playing the [direct/blatant/ugly] american card and believe my time is precious. if i have a instinct that it is not worth my time getting to know you, then don't try to make me feel bad about that and get me to spend time with you.
here is the email, in case you ever need it as a template:
I may be reading in too much, but you seem to be using awfully strong language such as loveya, and loads of love, and have spoken to all your friends about me, all in the context of a person you have met... Once and a half times?
Before further confusion can occur, I am going to be honest and direct in my american fashion and let you know that I am not in the market to find a boyfriend or be in a romantic relationship. I can only offer you a friendship. And we dont know each other very well actually. I think you may be rushing in, and making assumptions about me and where I am coming from. Not that you have asked, but I am seeing someone, although they live in another country.... I am flattered by your willingness to create time to get to know me better in light of your obvious intelligence. I appreciate you offer to go to the book signing XYZ, but I am really uninterested in politics. And I can't understand the politics here at all. I think I am too old to try!
So, if you want to meet up here and there as friends, that would be great, and thus you should keep in touch.
I am sure this is an awkward email to read, and I do apologize. I hope you have a great time out in Country X and have fun as well as work.
Warm regards
don't be chicken about being cruel to be kind.
posted by miss goLondon at 12:55 PM
4 Comments:
I am completely at sea recently in regards to dating etiquette and in what are and aren't romantic liasons.
Somewhere along the line I dropped the map and being male am afraid or too proud to ask for directions and have ended up in a self absorbed dateless confusion!
Thank you thank you thank you for the template! I think I've always tried to be nice about the whole you're more into me than I am into you scenario, which has never really worked!
i dont think the double standard is fair do you? i mean, women have to say it to guys when they are not interested, but it is a woman's burden to read the signs/silence if it is the guy who is uniterested, ala HJNTIY...
fb, if you are always polite, a listener, honest and make few assumptions, if any, you should never be at sea when dating!
LOL I love the email and have saved it as a template. I'm sure it will come in very useful, although hopefully not in the near future.
Give me a call next time you have too much food, that sounded like a cracking dinner!
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