passion! passion? passion.....
Last night i went to a lovely thanksgiving theme dinner party, with several fine dining industry persons. The nice thing about that was the chosen wine and cheese tray. There was this one cheese that had truffle shavings running through the middle, like a runaway pig in the french countryside. looked scary, tasted beyond amazing. orgasmic. seriously.
I was asked whether i like doing what i do in terms of job. Whilst i appreciate my job for what it is, a fairly good way of making good money and living in london, i don't particularly write odes to it or get up in the morning beaming with enthousiasm. I like who i work with and have developed good working relationships and luckily friendships. My English friends i have work to be thankful for, as it is through it that i met them and they befriended me. This is not an easy task as i moved here a non-Brit and knowing no one.
The second car in the train though is one i have seen before but its answer alludes me. or maybe an answer that i like alludes me and in that space i feel uncomfortable and awkward. what are your passions, what do you wish you did "for a living"? this is a rabbit in headlights moment for me. i have no overriding passionate drive in my life. I like answering questions with a boldness that says i know myself but in this i fail miserably. i dont know this area of me or perhaps this is it, and the answer leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy. Is there something wrong with me that i feel the pull of many other callings but not one in an overriding sense? is it the equivalent of never being in love with someone?
I love writing and wish i could devote more time to it. I would love to be writer, but do you see me focusing all my miss gl energy on it? nope. i wanted to be an artist at one point and my flat has boxes of art supplies but when was the last time i drew? i wish i was a furniture designer and had gone to design school. although i am rubbish at maths, so i may have failed the engineering oriented courses. I love, love, love food and wine. I almost went back to uni for a MBA in wine business in Australia before i moved to london; another path in life not chosen. I have a friend who followed her passion and now is a [fantastic] chef in nyc. But in the mirror my reflection does not possess the confidence to make this choice.
i think that confidence is a secret ingredient of passion. to follow through, take risks, give up other paths and go forward boldly takes confidence. a passion without that is a "love" or a "really like" or a "i wish i ...". i am very risk averse. and giving up a certain income stream is something i shy away from, even if the potential upside is making a living that makes you happy. i don't disbelieve in that concept. but i come from the thought that not everyone can have that, and i am not the type of person, at this point, to make different decisions to put me on another course. will i ever be that person? i fantasize about owning my own business, finding a way to make a living that stimulates the creative side of me, of not working for the man but being my own boss. and then the confidence issue kicks in...what if i can't do it, what if i fail, what if i become bankrupt. I do live in a fear of bankruptcy because it happened to my parents when i was young and it caused much emotional trauma in the family.
I am going to make a change and a leap of faith, in myself in 2006, and these issues are being worked out and worked on.
i just had an odd moment of deja vous. how fun.
I was asked whether i like doing what i do in terms of job. Whilst i appreciate my job for what it is, a fairly good way of making good money and living in london, i don't particularly write odes to it or get up in the morning beaming with enthousiasm. I like who i work with and have developed good working relationships and luckily friendships. My English friends i have work to be thankful for, as it is through it that i met them and they befriended me. This is not an easy task as i moved here a non-Brit and knowing no one.
The second car in the train though is one i have seen before but its answer alludes me. or maybe an answer that i like alludes me and in that space i feel uncomfortable and awkward. what are your passions, what do you wish you did "for a living"? this is a rabbit in headlights moment for me. i have no overriding passionate drive in my life. I like answering questions with a boldness that says i know myself but in this i fail miserably. i dont know this area of me or perhaps this is it, and the answer leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy. Is there something wrong with me that i feel the pull of many other callings but not one in an overriding sense? is it the equivalent of never being in love with someone?
I love writing and wish i could devote more time to it. I would love to be writer, but do you see me focusing all my miss gl energy on it? nope. i wanted to be an artist at one point and my flat has boxes of art supplies but when was the last time i drew? i wish i was a furniture designer and had gone to design school. although i am rubbish at maths, so i may have failed the engineering oriented courses. I love, love, love food and wine. I almost went back to uni for a MBA in wine business in Australia before i moved to london; another path in life not chosen. I have a friend who followed her passion and now is a [fantastic] chef in nyc. But in the mirror my reflection does not possess the confidence to make this choice.
i think that confidence is a secret ingredient of passion. to follow through, take risks, give up other paths and go forward boldly takes confidence. a passion without that is a "love" or a "really like" or a "i wish i ...". i am very risk averse. and giving up a certain income stream is something i shy away from, even if the potential upside is making a living that makes you happy. i don't disbelieve in that concept. but i come from the thought that not everyone can have that, and i am not the type of person, at this point, to make different decisions to put me on another course. will i ever be that person? i fantasize about owning my own business, finding a way to make a living that stimulates the creative side of me, of not working for the man but being my own boss. and then the confidence issue kicks in...what if i can't do it, what if i fail, what if i become bankrupt. I do live in a fear of bankruptcy because it happened to my parents when i was young and it caused much emotional trauma in the family.
I am going to make a change and a leap of faith, in myself in 2006, and these issues are being worked out and worked on.
i just had an odd moment of deja vous. how fun.
posted by miss goLondon at 12:36 PM
3 Comments:
doll, your compliment is so thoughtful, thank you. I think the discovery of sameness is one of the poignant bits about blogs. how often do we talk with friends about these things, and realise how much we all have in common, not to mention complete strangers. when do i get to read doll in london? looking forward to it. : )
I am reminded of my own post from Sunday 27th...I've had so many moments of wondering what I could do/should do/might like to do but lack the confidence and the conviction to do as well.
But it helps me to read that its not just me and if I can help you in anyway just ask...
Am I making any sense at all?
yes, mr. sense, and sensitivity!
I know what my father, an entreprenuer, would say. that the fear, the lack of confidence, is what contributes to one's lack of success. Those that succeed are the ones that act in spite their concerns that churn out the fear. easy to write, not so easy to live this way.
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