X and Y chromosomes
Welcome to The Debating Game. Subject: Dating in the UK
Argument: There is no concept of "dating" in the UK. Men do not ask women out consecutively in order to get to know them and determine whether there is an adequate chemistry and mental foundation for a romantic relationship. Rather, usually relationships are built on the primal foundation of a drunken night of sex, and there is no middle ground between zero and "boyfriend/girlfriend".
Are you for or against the motion? Discuss.
Background Facts. I once read in a UK Cosmo where a man was discussing his after- the -fact impressions of his "girlfriends". There was a CV of each relationship along with a length of term of each, none of which was longer than 6 months. In the US, I could go out on dates with someone for over 6 months and never be his girlfriend. I have been told by English women that the way to get men is wait until they are on the piss, hook up with them, give them your digits, and text until they take you out and voila he is now your boyfriend. In the US, this might even be termed "psycho girl" behaviour. And in talking to some English guys, some do not seem to understand that there is something in between friends, and girlfriend. I have no judgement on either method. The US system has some really bad points, e.g., it rarely happens in dictionary perfect form, and there are regional differences. I am not berating the absence of dating culture; i would merely like to "get" this foreign environment.
I have had a boyfriend here, and we dated first. But I had to explain it to him. I have also gone out on dates with English guys too. But there doesn't seem to be a standard template for it, nor does it feel normal. I sometimes feel at cross purposes, like not understanding what "going pear shaped" means when you first hear it, but having somewhat of an idea.
My further specific questions are, when is the "boyfriend/girlfriend" flash point, are women supposed to ask men out and why don't men ask women out here often? I go out with English men only if i write the script and feed them lines from a teleprompter. It is so much work, and it tires me quickly. Dates themselves are hard work. you have to be On: listen intelligently, read the inferences in the dialogue, take care with what you say, think about how you come across, figure the other person out, search for common ground, listen for significant areas of disagreement, try not to judge, especially not yourself (NB can you tell i am a perfectionist?). You need a power bar just to get over the fatigue that came with scoring the night out in the first place. When i don't have the energy to run the teleprompter game, then i don't have dates. Or i go out with men from other countries. If you get together but dont have sex, what does the man infer from that? If the British don't date, what do they do!? I often hear comments like, we don’t date American style, and is there really such thing as American dating? I struggle with integration on this subject more than any other (except for my English accent, which I am still refining to my English friends' chagrin). I never feel like the void is adequately explained! If it isn't X, then what does Y look like?
Argument: There is no concept of "dating" in the UK. Men do not ask women out consecutively in order to get to know them and determine whether there is an adequate chemistry and mental foundation for a romantic relationship. Rather, usually relationships are built on the primal foundation of a drunken night of sex, and there is no middle ground between zero and "boyfriend/girlfriend".
Are you for or against the motion? Discuss.
Background Facts. I once read in a UK Cosmo where a man was discussing his after- the -fact impressions of his "girlfriends". There was a CV of each relationship along with a length of term of each, none of which was longer than 6 months. In the US, I could go out on dates with someone for over 6 months and never be his girlfriend. I have been told by English women that the way to get men is wait until they are on the piss, hook up with them, give them your digits, and text until they take you out and voila he is now your boyfriend. In the US, this might even be termed "psycho girl" behaviour. And in talking to some English guys, some do not seem to understand that there is something in between friends, and girlfriend. I have no judgement on either method. The US system has some really bad points, e.g., it rarely happens in dictionary perfect form, and there are regional differences. I am not berating the absence of dating culture; i would merely like to "get" this foreign environment.
I have had a boyfriend here, and we dated first. But I had to explain it to him. I have also gone out on dates with English guys too. But there doesn't seem to be a standard template for it, nor does it feel normal. I sometimes feel at cross purposes, like not understanding what "going pear shaped" means when you first hear it, but having somewhat of an idea.
My further specific questions are, when is the "boyfriend/girlfriend" flash point, are women supposed to ask men out and why don't men ask women out here often? I go out with English men only if i write the script and feed them lines from a teleprompter. It is so much work, and it tires me quickly. Dates themselves are hard work. you have to be On: listen intelligently, read the inferences in the dialogue, take care with what you say, think about how you come across, figure the other person out, search for common ground, listen for significant areas of disagreement, try not to judge, especially not yourself (NB can you tell i am a perfectionist?). You need a power bar just to get over the fatigue that came with scoring the night out in the first place. When i don't have the energy to run the teleprompter game, then i don't have dates. Or i go out with men from other countries. If you get together but dont have sex, what does the man infer from that? If the British don't date, what do they do!? I often hear comments like, we don’t date American style, and is there really such thing as American dating? I struggle with integration on this subject more than any other (except for my English accent, which I am still refining to my English friends' chagrin). I never feel like the void is adequately explained! If it isn't X, then what does Y look like?
posted by miss goLondon at 2:36 PM
7 Comments:
I wonder how people get together...it turns out long term partners are from University days when they subscribed to the get pissed wake up in bed together...oh you can be my boyfriend/girlfriend and then they don't know what to do so end up together.
I'm most interested to read your thoughts on the matter.
I'm also fascinated by the cutural differences in the dating game. For example, all this crap about "the talk"... either you're dating or you're not, and if you are why would you accept that your bf/gf is seeing other people? Strange...
I see you've been exposed to the male British stereotype. Shame, because we're not all like that!
Absolutely, not all British men are like that. Just like not all American men are arrogent, loud, brash jerks....er, wait a minute...: )i "date" mostly British guys, and if they were akin to the stereotype, i wouldn't want to.
Ah, the talk, aka DTR: define the relationship. In the US, dating is not the same as bf/gf. it is the in between phase. to get to bf/gf, you have to date, the amount of time spent doing so depends on the people. sometimes you neve get to bf/gf, which is why i have only had 2 boyfriends in my life, but many relationships on the dating spectrum. but there doesn't seem to be the concept of spectrum here. its on, or off.
The Why question is the heart of the matter, and i will try to compose an essay on such.
Being from the US, I am used to that dating does not equal boyfriend/girlfriend. You date, you have the talk, and then you're boyfriend/girlfriend (as in exclusive).
I am now trying to understand the British stereotype. Is there no "talk" here? How do you become boyfriend/girlfriend then? Does the mere fact of going out on dates mean you're boyfriend/girlfriend then?
D.
If going out on one date means I'm someone's girlfriend, I'm afraid I might never do it. Not to say that I'm a serial dater (cuz I have slowed down quite a bit lately) -- but I like the idea of enjoying company of the opposite sex without feeling obliged to be their GF or something.
I'm amazed. I hadn't even realised that there were these huge cultural differences between here and the States.
I think both concepts are strange because I would find it hard to apply such rigid formulas to something so individual, quirky and messy as human relationships.
On a seperate note...I enjoyed the Rousseau Exhibition so much so that I might go again which really doesn't happen very often.
There are aspects of the work that bother me, challenge me and that I like...
But don't hate me if you don't like it...
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