Role playing
Wasn't it just two weeks ago that I had no men even on the horizon and my waters were quite clear? And now this: going out with one guy, saying goodbye to another, and sidestepping emotional minefields in between.
It is almost time to get off the carousel of Christmas chaos. I definitely feel scraped into the ground. Going out drinking almost every night is taking its toll on my physical and mental health. My skin does not look good, I think I have gained wrinkles and a pound, and my immune system is in the negative. About once a week I have had a night in with nettle tea and salmon and sleep, but that effort is merely to keep me surviving. I need weeks of that for full recovery, as the next day I go back to the chophouse and do it all again. Emotionally, I give myself huge guilt trips over drinking so much and the trouble I get into whilst doing so. And then I spend time unguilting myself. It is the roller coaster dance of the perfectionist. And it is taking a toll on my confidence as well.
I tell myself, limit alcohol units when you go out then. And I just can't do it.
To misquote Buddha, Desire is the root of all unhappiness. And I learned this concept when I was in therapy in the US. The best way to deal with heartache is to deal with its cause; eliminate it. Thus, with the case of my longstanding interest in guy at work, and the embarrassment that my behaviour towards him at our Christmas party caused me (can we say Stalker, aka raving mad lunatic sexually frustrated Miss gL?), it is now my goal to chant everyday that I will let go those feelings I have, say farewell with positive energy, and move past. Emotionally unavailable men should be passed up, not worked on. I have dealt with this before and it will probably crop up here and there until I get married. There is nothing positive or helpful for me so I must forgive myself and keep moving. I have said this before, but each time I say it with more conviction and acceptance, and finally i feel i am there.
I am also beginning to see this man Speed. I really like spending time with him and am attracted to him. Actually, I find that going out with someone who looks at me not as arm candy and who wants to get to know me both educational and exciting. Finally, what i say matters. Which comes with it responsibility. It is very honest and unassuming when we are together. I had forgotten what that was like. We talk to each other and not merely at each other. And almost each time we end up talking about how we are relating to each other and reach a sort of impasse. He has one method and I have another and the two are not synchronising perfectly. I am reserved physically and will be less so as a matter of time and "knowing" which for me adds up to "trust", a necessary combination. He needs affection and constant reassurance that he is on the right course. I don't give this automatically. He told me that he has noticed that I have this wall up around myself and he interprets that as me not liking him. I have a wall around myself and it is called Me As Built Up Over Time and Experience, not anything to do with him or in reaction to him.
The most stunning revelation that I have had though came from my mouth but he caused it. I said look I am sorry but I am used to being both the woman and the man for myself and it is hard to let go of the latter when that is how I spend most of my time, but now that I am conscious of it I want to let it go. I stunned myself into silence. It just fell out of my mouth and I almost fell down after I said it. Right now, i thinkk my biggest stumbling block in relating to guys is that I say I want them to have the guy role in relation to me, but then I won't give it up and it becomes a fight for it. Which is not attractive, nor healthy, nor beneficial to me. Or, I only will give this role up once they pass through these hoops, testing whether they can be as good of a "guy" as I am. It sounds horrible and it is horrid.
This relationship may not evolve, but because of it I have learned a huge personal insight which will help me be a better friend and companion in the future. I feel that I have been shown a major stumbling block that I have to entering into a intimate relationship. There was a Seinfeld episode on this point, the one where Jerry began to realise he wanted to date himself. Not a good quality. It sounds narcissistic, but maybe in my case it is borne of protectionism.
It is almost time to get off the carousel of Christmas chaos. I definitely feel scraped into the ground. Going out drinking almost every night is taking its toll on my physical and mental health. My skin does not look good, I think I have gained wrinkles and a pound, and my immune system is in the negative. About once a week I have had a night in with nettle tea and salmon and sleep, but that effort is merely to keep me surviving. I need weeks of that for full recovery, as the next day I go back to the chophouse and do it all again. Emotionally, I give myself huge guilt trips over drinking so much and the trouble I get into whilst doing so. And then I spend time unguilting myself. It is the roller coaster dance of the perfectionist. And it is taking a toll on my confidence as well.
I tell myself, limit alcohol units when you go out then. And I just can't do it.
To misquote Buddha, Desire is the root of all unhappiness. And I learned this concept when I was in therapy in the US. The best way to deal with heartache is to deal with its cause; eliminate it. Thus, with the case of my longstanding interest in guy at work, and the embarrassment that my behaviour towards him at our Christmas party caused me (can we say Stalker, aka raving mad lunatic sexually frustrated Miss gL?), it is now my goal to chant everyday that I will let go those feelings I have, say farewell with positive energy, and move past. Emotionally unavailable men should be passed up, not worked on. I have dealt with this before and it will probably crop up here and there until I get married. There is nothing positive or helpful for me so I must forgive myself and keep moving. I have said this before, but each time I say it with more conviction and acceptance, and finally i feel i am there.
I am also beginning to see this man Speed. I really like spending time with him and am attracted to him. Actually, I find that going out with someone who looks at me not as arm candy and who wants to get to know me both educational and exciting. Finally, what i say matters. Which comes with it responsibility. It is very honest and unassuming when we are together. I had forgotten what that was like. We talk to each other and not merely at each other. And almost each time we end up talking about how we are relating to each other and reach a sort of impasse. He has one method and I have another and the two are not synchronising perfectly. I am reserved physically and will be less so as a matter of time and "knowing" which for me adds up to "trust", a necessary combination. He needs affection and constant reassurance that he is on the right course. I don't give this automatically. He told me that he has noticed that I have this wall up around myself and he interprets that as me not liking him. I have a wall around myself and it is called Me As Built Up Over Time and Experience, not anything to do with him or in reaction to him.
The most stunning revelation that I have had though came from my mouth but he caused it. I said look I am sorry but I am used to being both the woman and the man for myself and it is hard to let go of the latter when that is how I spend most of my time, but now that I am conscious of it I want to let it go. I stunned myself into silence. It just fell out of my mouth and I almost fell down after I said it. Right now, i thinkk my biggest stumbling block in relating to guys is that I say I want them to have the guy role in relation to me, but then I won't give it up and it becomes a fight for it. Which is not attractive, nor healthy, nor beneficial to me. Or, I only will give this role up once they pass through these hoops, testing whether they can be as good of a "guy" as I am. It sounds horrible and it is horrid.
This relationship may not evolve, but because of it I have learned a huge personal insight which will help me be a better friend and companion in the future. I feel that I have been shown a major stumbling block that I have to entering into a intimate relationship. There was a Seinfeld episode on this point, the one where Jerry began to realise he wanted to date himself. Not a good quality. It sounds narcissistic, but maybe in my case it is borne of protectionism.
posted by miss goLondon at 4:55 PM
1 Comments:
You said it very well, thx for it! it is about balance isn't it? With your description, I see that it is how i was about 4 years ago. And now, i am erring on not letting go, where as before, like you, i let go too much. well, that is what life is for isn't it, to find the balance through experience, and feel along the way? part of me whinges, why can't we get it right the first time?
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