The eternal struggle

well, in retropsect the burgeoning fascination with Neo is quite silly and makes me feel like an inadequate school girl who can't controll her sass. Although the flirtility factor is off the scale, and he did sit down next to me post-class yesterday to talk about what i thought of the class so far, he sweetly but i hope not ingeniously saying that i was a natural (bless the guy, he has charm), where i am really going with this?

Another voice in my head says, why are you making up negative things when in truth you know nothing. fact, he is attractive. fact, you are a cool chick. fact, you know nothing about his single status or whether he would find you attractive. the end. so you do something funky with your life and meet a nice looking bloke. why am i giving myself a hard time about it and trying to come up with reasons not to have a fun crush?

But then i realise why i am trying to "talk myself out of" thinking he is attractive. Because my subconcious reaction whenever i am confronted with a guy that i think is attractive is to revert to myself age younger twenties; the myself that had no confidence and thought she was ugly. If we skip some chapters in the DVD, then we get to me now, who is very different. But there is always this fight that goes on between the insecurity devil and Me Now, as if it wants to be part of MN, and this beelzabub thinks it can get its foot in the door when i think someone is attractive.

I hate that i have this lingering insecurity baggage. I hate it and am going to do everything i can to banish it forever to the Hades of Emotions.