Miss Alternate Universe Pageant
My flatmate and I seem to have accidentally, through no intention of ours, stepped through a cosmic wormhole, slid faster than a 10 year old on a Slip n' Slide, landing on terra not so firma, in a cold and dismal, endlessly frustrating universe. If we were to produce a television show to compete with the likes of Lost, echoing the themes of persons stranded and faced with limited resources, we want the show to be titled Mislaid.
In this universe, if and when we are attracted to, and want to get to further know a guy, then the universal laws arrange for us to never hear from him again. And, the yin to that yang is that if we are not attracted to someone, and we not only do not appreciate their personality, which is far different than ours, but know that we are not appreciated as well, then our phone and email will be inundated with messages focused on connection. Also known as, not interested, they call; interested…yes, that’s right, that is silence.
There are few things more annoying than a guy peppering you with calls and texts and emails. I would say especially if you are not attracted to him. But especially assumes that there is an option, but it is a universal law that only guys that you do not like do that. We have theorised that they do this for several reasons, all of which grate us.
Primarily, they need to be liked by someone, so they are pursuing your affection aggressively without listening to you or asking you directly how you feel about them. That statement has two main components that are worrisome, firstly Need. Need is a turn off, its instinctive. This suggests weakness and lack of personality. The second is Someone; these actions leave a woman with a residue of distaste because we feel fungible and generic. This guy doesn't like you, he just wants to be liked by anyone. You are just generic walking vagina. So, it really is about him and not about you. I call this Stripping my Personal Integrity. Not to be confused with what I call Stripping: Lets Get Personal (which only involves a guy you are attracted to).
Some other surmised reasons (and by surmised I mean we can't prove but we know it) are that because you tick all the boxes on the girlfriend agenda given to them by their mother and actually it is about winning family approval and not about liking you as a complex person that doesn't end at first impressions; they want to sign you up to their package before you get a chance to know them because in the past once someone has, they don't want to stay around. I realise my because statements are massive logical fallacies, but so be it.
Why there doesn't seem to be a middle ground, in otherwords not a guy that never calls or emails except when he is drunk, and not a guy that inundates you with connect with me messages, is a mysterious to me as dark matter. Actually, I understand dark matter as the invisible glue of the universe, whichever one I am in, better than this Seventh Wonder of the World.
In the theme of wonders of the world, what is your favourite thing to see as you wake up in the morning, stumble out of bed, eyes not only blurry from lack of contacts but champers the night before, your body simultaneously is crying out for loo and large gulp of water, so you bypass loo because minger from the night before might be in there as door looks shuttish thus you continue to stumble to kitchen for glass o aqua, open the kitchen door to and observe, as if through mosquito netting, the morning callisthenics of said minger, and I don't mean jumpin jacks. That's right, close hand around member, etcetera, etcetera. ..My flatmate told me about this Sunday Morning Wakeup Call last night and we could not stop laughing. At least our sense of humour came with us in the cosmic leap between universi. We now have a sign in our Kitchen, on the inside of the door, that says No Wankers Allowed.
In this universe, if and when we are attracted to, and want to get to further know a guy, then the universal laws arrange for us to never hear from him again. And, the yin to that yang is that if we are not attracted to someone, and we not only do not appreciate their personality, which is far different than ours, but know that we are not appreciated as well, then our phone and email will be inundated with messages focused on connection. Also known as, not interested, they call; interested…yes, that’s right, that is silence.
There are few things more annoying than a guy peppering you with calls and texts and emails. I would say especially if you are not attracted to him. But especially assumes that there is an option, but it is a universal law that only guys that you do not like do that. We have theorised that they do this for several reasons, all of which grate us.
Primarily, they need to be liked by someone, so they are pursuing your affection aggressively without listening to you or asking you directly how you feel about them. That statement has two main components that are worrisome, firstly Need. Need is a turn off, its instinctive. This suggests weakness and lack of personality. The second is Someone; these actions leave a woman with a residue of distaste because we feel fungible and generic. This guy doesn't like you, he just wants to be liked by anyone. You are just generic walking vagina. So, it really is about him and not about you. I call this Stripping my Personal Integrity. Not to be confused with what I call Stripping: Lets Get Personal (which only involves a guy you are attracted to).
Some other surmised reasons (and by surmised I mean we can't prove but we know it) are that because you tick all the boxes on the girlfriend agenda given to them by their mother and actually it is about winning family approval and not about liking you as a complex person that doesn't end at first impressions; they want to sign you up to their package before you get a chance to know them because in the past once someone has, they don't want to stay around. I realise my because statements are massive logical fallacies, but so be it.
Why there doesn't seem to be a middle ground, in otherwords not a guy that never calls or emails except when he is drunk, and not a guy that inundates you with connect with me messages, is a mysterious to me as dark matter. Actually, I understand dark matter as the invisible glue of the universe, whichever one I am in, better than this Seventh Wonder of the World.
In the theme of wonders of the world, what is your favourite thing to see as you wake up in the morning, stumble out of bed, eyes not only blurry from lack of contacts but champers the night before, your body simultaneously is crying out for loo and large gulp of water, so you bypass loo because minger from the night before might be in there as door looks shuttish thus you continue to stumble to kitchen for glass o aqua, open the kitchen door to and observe, as if through mosquito netting, the morning callisthenics of said minger, and I don't mean jumpin jacks. That's right, close hand around member, etcetera, etcetera. ..My flatmate told me about this Sunday Morning Wakeup Call last night and we could not stop laughing. At least our sense of humour came with us in the cosmic leap between universi. We now have a sign in our Kitchen, on the inside of the door, that says No Wankers Allowed.
posted by miss goLondon at 4:31 PM
6 Comments:
This is why I will never text or call you. I like to play it cool and not show you the real me inside screaming, "Like me. Like me. Show me attention!"
Neilochka...happy medium? like some sort of communication not in the stalker category? I suppose that is ok, as long as the real you doesn't step inside our kitchen and wank off. manners in this country?
HA! Right on...no wankers. It's a good thing you and your flatmate are on the same page...sometimes it's good to get a second opinion on wanker status before it gets to a morning kitchen/bathroon scenario...
Neil! its BOLLOCKS. bloody hell mate, i'm gobsmacked you not gettin it, innit! now, i am off to drink some brittanys with my diamond geezers.
Can I order a "No Wankers" sign directly from you?
Hey, I'm in that universe! Well, either that one, or the very similar one next door in which all the otherwise interesting girls smoke or are religious nuts, all the ones who appear to be interested are either already taken or totally mad/not cute, and all the ones in whom one is interested and who are sane are totally not interested.
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