One for the ladies
I have been requested to say a few words about the parting conversation that i had with speed on saturday.
He had been sending me texts each day, most of which said call me, you home yet, guess i am not going to talk to you today...number of missed calls from him: zero. To review, the game over moment was when after asking him three days in a row what his decision was on the hotel weekend that he had asked me to set up, he texts me that we need to talk about it, and to call him.
I have been tought many things over the past few years about how to stick up for myself and commicate that i expect to get respect. but that doesn't mean enganging in it feels comfortable, is fun, or without anxiety. i asked my flatmate to sit by me on our minicouch. for 25 minutes, she was my blankey.
I called him and the first thing he says "well it seems that you have been busy this week, too busy to call". I could spend the next 30 minutes court reporting the conversation but i won't; i will try to recall the ebbs and flows with a few key phrases.
So it started off with him obviously in a snarky mindset. it occured to me that i felt the stereotypical guy and he the naggy girl. i moderated my voice explained yes i had been, and i was tired, just got back from flat hunting, how was he....inane chit chat with carefully moderated tone. i then said (and i had practiced and wrote down this) so you texted me on tuesday that you wanted to talk about next weekend? to which he responded, full of tone, well i guess its too late now isn't it, i said well when you didn't tell me which hotel but wanted to talk, yes i did cancel the hotels but what did you want to talk about, and he said well i was going to talk about a compromise.
a compromise. in my opinion, when you tell a girl to set up a weekend away, find out you have double booked yourself with mates, the answer is hotel a or b, not a compromise, ie i will go away with mates and you and i can go another weekend.
this whole time he is sounding very mad and angry and kept saying but i texted you, i texted you all week. i knew he was texting me as a way to form a defense against anything that i would say he did wrong.
which is why my tactic wasn' t to say he did anything wrong. because he didn't he just treats people in ways that i don't want to be treated, and his definition of dating doesn't accord with mine, and i wasn't falling for him to the extent that i wanted to stay in the game and educate him.
i said it appeared to me that although i had a great time with him, and thought very highly of him, we didn't really seem to be clicking on the in between stuff; that it seemed to me that what he needs and what i need are different and we should downgrade to friendship.
at which he got mad and angry, said words like, everything is just black and white with you, never argue with a lawyer who has already judged her case, well done counseler, to which i said i dont' really need that sarcasm, and i think you are being facetious when you say well done, to which he said no i am not.
he then tried to say why, why i texted you every day, you couldn't call me back, i said i didn't hear my phone ringing and he said oh is it about control with you and i said no, is it with you? he then accused me of doing no work in the relationship, that it was always him taking me out, him paying for dates.
uh, uhm. 7 dates. 4 dinners. 50% of those nice. and he brought up paying? and he accused me of no work? the fact that he does so little and thinks it is all of it confirmed that i was doing the beyond right thing and i was really glad of it. previously i was nervous in the conversation. with that comment, i found my peace and sense of self. Which i then powerfully engaged in the conversation. i said work? i brought up to you in person sunday, i emailed you monday and i texted you tuesday . 3 times. not once could you answer. you then say we need to talk and to call you...look up rude in the dictionary and you will find that little manouevre in there. yes, i truly said that. i then said, you think that you do all the work? i feel like i entered stage left, am up on stage singing and dancing and you are out there in the audience refusing to participate. i really said that too. i was hoping to use "you want a relationship maid" but i didn't.
i then tried to get off the phone because i said the conversation was turning needlessly nasty, especially when the sarcasm born of his ego wounds was palpable, and i reiterated that i am not throwing blame i am going with my instinct that although on paper we look good, there have been interrelating problems from the start and he is a great guy but we should call it quits; and he apologised and said i was right he was sorry for being nasty and what i just said was very nice and i didn't have to do that and i said, well i wasnt' being nice i was being honest, and i accept your apology.
i said lets go for a glass of wine soon to catch up in person, and he said he would like that. i really want my cds back. if it was one, i call it a casualty, but four? they are homesick and i am bringing them back.
He had been sending me texts each day, most of which said call me, you home yet, guess i am not going to talk to you today...number of missed calls from him: zero. To review, the game over moment was when after asking him three days in a row what his decision was on the hotel weekend that he had asked me to set up, he texts me that we need to talk about it, and to call him.
I have been tought many things over the past few years about how to stick up for myself and commicate that i expect to get respect. but that doesn't mean enganging in it feels comfortable, is fun, or without anxiety. i asked my flatmate to sit by me on our minicouch. for 25 minutes, she was my blankey.
I called him and the first thing he says "well it seems that you have been busy this week, too busy to call". I could spend the next 30 minutes court reporting the conversation but i won't; i will try to recall the ebbs and flows with a few key phrases.
So it started off with him obviously in a snarky mindset. it occured to me that i felt the stereotypical guy and he the naggy girl. i moderated my voice explained yes i had been, and i was tired, just got back from flat hunting, how was he....inane chit chat with carefully moderated tone. i then said (and i had practiced and wrote down this) so you texted me on tuesday that you wanted to talk about next weekend? to which he responded, full of tone, well i guess its too late now isn't it, i said well when you didn't tell me which hotel but wanted to talk, yes i did cancel the hotels but what did you want to talk about, and he said well i was going to talk about a compromise.
a compromise. in my opinion, when you tell a girl to set up a weekend away, find out you have double booked yourself with mates, the answer is hotel a or b, not a compromise, ie i will go away with mates and you and i can go another weekend.
this whole time he is sounding very mad and angry and kept saying but i texted you, i texted you all week. i knew he was texting me as a way to form a defense against anything that i would say he did wrong.
which is why my tactic wasn' t to say he did anything wrong. because he didn't he just treats people in ways that i don't want to be treated, and his definition of dating doesn't accord with mine, and i wasn't falling for him to the extent that i wanted to stay in the game and educate him.
i said it appeared to me that although i had a great time with him, and thought very highly of him, we didn't really seem to be clicking on the in between stuff; that it seemed to me that what he needs and what i need are different and we should downgrade to friendship.
at which he got mad and angry, said words like, everything is just black and white with you, never argue with a lawyer who has already judged her case, well done counseler, to which i said i dont' really need that sarcasm, and i think you are being facetious when you say well done, to which he said no i am not.
he then tried to say why, why i texted you every day, you couldn't call me back, i said i didn't hear my phone ringing and he said oh is it about control with you and i said no, is it with you? he then accused me of doing no work in the relationship, that it was always him taking me out, him paying for dates.
uh, uhm. 7 dates. 4 dinners. 50% of those nice. and he brought up paying? and he accused me of no work? the fact that he does so little and thinks it is all of it confirmed that i was doing the beyond right thing and i was really glad of it. previously i was nervous in the conversation. with that comment, i found my peace and sense of self. Which i then powerfully engaged in the conversation. i said work? i brought up to you in person sunday, i emailed you monday and i texted you tuesday . 3 times. not once could you answer. you then say we need to talk and to call you...look up rude in the dictionary and you will find that little manouevre in there. yes, i truly said that. i then said, you think that you do all the work? i feel like i entered stage left, am up on stage singing and dancing and you are out there in the audience refusing to participate. i really said that too. i was hoping to use "you want a relationship maid" but i didn't.
i then tried to get off the phone because i said the conversation was turning needlessly nasty, especially when the sarcasm born of his ego wounds was palpable, and i reiterated that i am not throwing blame i am going with my instinct that although on paper we look good, there have been interrelating problems from the start and he is a great guy but we should call it quits; and he apologised and said i was right he was sorry for being nasty and what i just said was very nice and i didn't have to do that and i said, well i wasnt' being nice i was being honest, and i accept your apology.
i said lets go for a glass of wine soon to catch up in person, and he said he would like that. i really want my cds back. if it was one, i call it a casualty, but four? they are homesick and i am bringing them back.
posted by miss goLondon at 5:16 PM
6 Comments:
CD's must be hand delivered or sent asap in suitable jiffy envelope to show integrity.
Interesting... I would have shortened the whole process to something along the following lines: "Sorry - it's not working. Take care of yourself."
Now, a question for you... if you'd been out on seven dates, how come you hadn't paid for dinner yet? Hmmmm? (It may be different over here than to the States, but we expect it sometimes, even if it's no more than a gesture.)
wdky, i do think that the paradigm differs between the countries. and being a girl from the Southern US, home of the Belle, we are absolutely high maintenence in this respect. yet, out of the seven dates, only four consisted of dinner, the rest were hanging out, going to parties, etc.
my usual ratio is 1 of 4 or 5 dates is my treat. until it is a for sure boyfriend girlfriend thing when 50/50 is proper with room for occasional "my treat" presents.
for example, i had purchased play tickets and made dinner reservations, all of which i would have paid for. but we did not make it that far!
Thank you, MissgL. I could certainly live with that :-)
i still can't believe you're in the UK and i'm not..
seven billion people in the world.. and counting..
there's thousands of "right ones" only they may be tied up at the moment working in fishing camps in laos or still learning to like processed cheese in some decaying concept of a village in northeastern argentina..
keep on truckin' babe..
PS.. if you set yourself up an account on soulseek..
http://www.slsknet.org/
you can prob. find every album you've lost to the latest.. my username is Earache.. I'll add you to mu user list and we can trade again like back in the olden days..
hachachacha.. yourmostdarkestofcandy
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