Zen and the Art of Pulling

There are moments of time when you realise that you have veered off a previous route and have lept onto another path, perhaps even a metaphysical escalator. It feels as if you have been in a storm and before you realised that it was hailing, it is over and the ozone rich air is left surrounding you with its pristine humidity.

When I broke things of with Speed last weekend, a moment of doubt did not show itself. Yet I still began crying for a bit at one point. The frustration of being out in the front, trying to find some guy that is available, attractive, and quality, overwhelmed me. And then i felt the clouds parting and saw another vista. I realised that my personal dynamic had changed. I no longer have an agenda to evaluate dates on potential for relationship. Because I think, hopefully without being cynical or judgemental, that there is such a slim chance of it happening. I don't mean I hate men or want to go on a revenge cycle. Absolutely not: I love men and find them alluring and funny and attractive at times and do not give up hope that i might find one to share my life with.

It is that I have folded up my book of agendas, and put it in a box. This book of agendas is not to be confused with the tick box survey that I used to have in my early 20s. I threw that out before I left for here, when I realised that the items on the list were outdated and that I couldn't replace them with poignant alteratives.

It is because I now confront life with this new but exciting paradigm that I rock into work having gotten together with the one bloke that will be in our chalet in France in 2 weeks when I go skiing. I suppose it could be an "oops" moment, but my new liberating paradigm says, "amusing". He mentioned going out, but I have no expectations. I also don't care if he doesn't call and then next time I see him he is in Mirabel pulling girls right and left. I think he is cute, but i am not bothered. So, there is potential for awkward situation. If one starts to care and want. But that is why I heart my new paradigm. There is a zen like purity about it because it eschews desire and want and requests living in the here and now. It is slightly selfish, but live in the moment, and kiss who ever you want to, as long as it is for yourself, only yourself, and there are no expectations when it is over.

However, even in my tranquil and non-judgemental zen state, i do find it embarrassing that I am wearing the same skirt and blouse that i had on yesterday. And, it is a noticible Miu Miu outfit that doesn't fall under the category of generic. I am taking a long lunch to go home and change. Which will be noticed to, but we work with what we have.