WTF and OMG

Well, i said i was bored and wanting stories. I guess going out, getting really pissed, pulling a guy on the tube and not remembering any of it, counts as that.
And that was the prologue. The Chapter One, and probably the end, is that Tube Boy (TB) texted me and wanted to see me again. I said yes. We are meeting up tonight.

I have no idea what he looks like, who he is....knowing me when i am that blasted....him being minging is a complete possiblity. so why did i say yes? well, for the train wreck effect...you just can't look away. I am curious to see what this cat brought home. And possibly to get some light shed on that evening.

Another way to put it is that i am being set up on a blind date tonight. And my drunken dark side is the friend that set me up. I wonder what i thought of myself? that is what this night is about. There is not that much different than going on a blind date with someone from a dating website, where you assume their photo and email corresondence are not lies. How different is it from a friend who sets you up with a friend of a friend, who they don't know much about, except that both of you don't have a partner? what did my lashed other self think of me? how ballsy was it in terms of pulling a bloke, or did she let herself be hit on by an unworthy because she was too pissed to be bovv'ed.

I need to not drink when it is my time of the month. That is when the blackouts occur. How could i have had more than 2 bottles? I think that hormones, plus a lot of alcohol equals Shiva HGL coming out to play. i had 1.5 bottles (wine) the other weekend, and was fine, other than a small hangover. Same amount at That Time....pandoras box of chaos and loss of self control, apparently. i am slightly nervous. not about TB. About confronting the blank.

I have done this before. the Millionaire Barrister, who i met at Kilo, whilst at its opening party....again, he texted me, i don't remember meeting him.... he was funny, and loaded, but only fling material. And i was not really interested in being an old man's smart arm candy piece. Unless your name is George Clooney.

so who is TB? Age, occupation, looks, his opinion of me? i will let you know. i have no expectations, but i am helping write my own story. i am pondering having a drink first. or maybe a quick shot. of espresso. I am going with the who cares confidence that comes from being able to small talk to a wall. And i have dinner plans with a mate at 9, so that gives me Exit Stratagy. To distill, he is either eligible, or non-eligible, cute, or minging.

The night i met TB, i met a guy from the website. I thought he was v cute. somehow, both of us got drunk, i am sure me more so. from my phone, i can tell that i texted him post date, a desparate doris type text that said"had so much fun, would love to see you again, call me if you get bored". Well. I must have had a good time. and i can tell you, i haven't had many of those lately which is why i waxed exuberantly. i am sure he thinks i am a freak. A week later, no response. I am proud that i couldn't care less. i remember him being judgemental at times. he kept saying how my profile made me sound OTT heiress high maintenence. Which i don't think it does. Perhaps that made him insecure. Nevermind, i have the feeling he likes more grungy punky rocker chicks. I have my moments, but i think i will always be too refined for that.

Somehow, leaving pub and getting one of the last tubes home, i met up with TB. and he got my number. 6 hours from now, i will confront the chaos that i stirred up.

Here I am Again on My Own

going down the only road i've ever known....

well, greetings. i have promised myself that i would start blogging again. I miss writing and refining my writing skill. It is a creative outlet that, in retrospect, is very healthy for me. I had been taking an art class once a week, and that was helpful as well. But having two evening classes consecutively was taking a toll on my energy. And kung fu must stay. my friends there are too dear, the instructor still too hot.

So many thing have happened, but i feel not older, just wiser, and more comfortable. I will go into detail at later posts about the past nine months, but for now, let me stream of concioiusness for you.

Loved Builder. Broke up with builder because he didn't want a serious relationship. Felt really sad, hurt and frustrated. Hibernated to rest and recouperate. Continued with job. have put shoe store on backburner, but it is still simering. went on ski holiday with Lamborgini guy and his friends, altho we were not together. went to Firenze with good friend and had flirtation with gorg. italian hotel owner. bored at work. somehow still do well at work and continue the job although have talked with recruiters. still do kung fu and really enjoy it, more than i ever thought, but part of that is the friendships that i have created. live with flatmate in barons court, and that is well although we have had trauma with the boiler off and on. am on a dating website because once i began healing from the breakup properly, my natural impatience to be energetic and have stories clashed with the absence of meeting people when i was out....it used to be so easy, and now it rarely happens. i have had several suitors for my hand, but none have been either shag material or boyfriend material (a spectrum, me thinks, with each term on either end). Have had one shag since Builder. Feel desperate about writing a new chapter in that book, layering on what i have learned, but have yet to settle. Am a fully active member of this website which is an interesting process. At times frustrating, but it is just a reflection, almost through a distorted lens, of how people are weird, and you can never assume anything. Honestly, i am suprising myself about how grounded i feel about this process. Because i am not looking for drama, i really have a "whatever, can't be bothered" attitude about it all, and have do not take anything personally, nor do i interpret things to be about me. always interpret positively. you, dear friend or reader, will be hearing many tidbits to come. and i have several to catch you up on. International Playboy continues to be my friend and i may see him later this year. Neo is still gorgous but would be the worst choice for a boyfriend (NB if i had to leave london, i would kidnap him for a dirty weekend before i leave). Baby G has a bird, bless him. and i continue to search and wait for someone to respect, share with, and feel mutual desire for. and i continue to love clothes, champagne, reading, food, and working out.

I hope you want to stay around, and tune in here and there, to read about my anectodes, my gripes, and my demi-existential philisophical thoughts.

ghosts

Do you get the glazed look in your face when you are doing errands on the weekend? you walk around without your gaze concentrated, your subcouncious steadily working to point out sale! signs, or dodgy persons perhaps trying to pickpocket you, or doggy poo that you need to step over. And you are not looking at anything specifically but your mind is still watching. perhaps waiting for a special glimpse of odd beauty on the high street, or more likely up a side street. And when sudden movement that does not synchronise with your surrounds causes you to focus with accelerated attention, to try to find the cause of the anomoly.

There i was on high street kens, window shopping for shoes, but walking straight down the road with big sunnies on. and i was brought out of my nuetral reverie by just such a sudden movement moment. my vision focused, and i saw a man who had just come out of the music store visibly start. actually, i did not see this but my brain noticed it, and flashed it back to me. our minds do that! this person was walking away from me to the point where the walk was almost a jog. i looked at the person up and down, noticing build, hair, and clothes.

it was my ex! i have not seen him in over a year. we broke up a year and a half ago. he was devastated, and i blissfully relieved although disturbed over hurting someone and as to the reasons why i let it go on for so long with so little to value in it but for the fact that he is a lovely, sweet guy (NB not enough).

I reckon he clocked me, started, and then i noticed him as he was running away. He did not see me see him. and won't know unless he checks this blog here and there ina schadenfruede (sp? i know) kind of way. Yet this incedent made me sad. . sad that he doesn't feel up to saying hello to me. sad about what that implies about his state of healing. sad, but not apologetic, for the likely discrepency in our positions emotionally. this sadness propelled me to promise to myself that i would not do that again to me, or someone else.

how could i have gone on without sex for so long?

Do you know this man?

i went out last night to dinner. to Meditteraneo in Not Hil. Not good. do not waste your pounds there. tired menu. food bathed in salt. lackluster. just don't go. Basilica is a much better option if you need to stay in the same neighborhood.

i was talking to the person i was with, S. and S was telling me about a "friend of friend". this fof engages in a particularly disturbing behaviour. he has a scam that inolves women, texts and mms(photo messaging).

Tony receives mobile numbers of chicks that do not make his mate's cut. Tony then sms's the girls, with generic messages trying to get them to begin a sms dialogue. like, do you remember me, we met a couple months ago at blob bar, you are so cool, i had such a good time that night....

so a majority of the time tony is able to carry on sms convos over a period of time, and he does such with an intent. he has a goal. for him it is a game, and the object of it is not to meet the woman on the other end of the phone. it is not to shag her, or stalk her.

it is to receive soft porn photos. of her. which apparantly in a majority of cases Tony talks them into sending such gifts of illustration. and then when they push him to meet them in person, on a -gasp-date, he bails on them and discloses he lives with his girlfriend and can't.

true story. watch out for the tony's of this world. what a messed up mind that he needs to manipulate women into a vulnerable situation where he is not at risk, only to slice the thread of trust with them by saying their disclosures were for naught. i wonder what an appopriate commupance for him would be?

my brain for 5 minutes.

• 
  In what direction should my career go? why is this such a hard emotional question?
• 
  What should I ask in my meeting with one of the Selfridges directors regarding my business idea
• Fantasizing that they give me half a mil to start my business because clearly I am cool, sassy, confident and can create a successful business. First impressions and all that
• 
  What should I eat Friday night? What do I already have in the fridge, and how can I supplement that with some healthy but not expensive food.
• Should I call the hr person in house about the legal job?
• Where I am going to go on hols? Where can you go by yourself and have a really interesting time.
  Should I go to rome whereby I would have to spend time with, potentially intimately, with Italian playboy? Do I want that, or, could i put up with that?
  
• One of the girls in kung fu asked me why I don't go out with Neo, gorg instructor. Her boyfriend and neo are getting to be close mates. Do you think this question is on the back of a convo about me, or just fishing?
• In a parallel universe, why do I have to get my period this weekend when I am spending half of it in Portsmouth? Argh. Cramps, and frustration. Umm, I think I need some more chocolate to get through this.

• My job now is so boring. It isn't that I am perfect at it. It is that I don't have the motivation to be so perfect at it.
• Shoes. I need shoes. Should I splurge in a pair of Manohlo's [don't die, no I don't have any yet] for when I meet with the selfridge's person? Notwithstanding, I am setting aside some money for three pairs of reasonable shoes this paycheque. I own a shoe desert. Everything is falling apart or woefully unstylish. My mission, is to find 3 pairs of sassy but not , 'spensive shoes. Destination: office, berties, Kurts. Damn, why don't we have Banana here…..
• 
  Hmm, so for food, maybe a tuna steak because I accidentally over cooked the last one and it made me mad. And I have spinach and broccoli to steam. And some brown rice. And maybe some blueberries for a little blueberry crisp. I have everything but the tuna and blueberries. Oh, and will need some soy milk for next day. I will splurge on a vanilla yoghurt smoothie on train to Portsmouth. I wonder what we will eat in Portsmouth?
• Damn why do I like to eat so much. I think it occupies 80% of my thoughts.

• I want to have my kung fu class over to flat for a dinner. Let's menu…I think I will make a taco stand type buffet, margaritas, and a pumpkin pie for dessert…..
• When does Marie Antoinette come out...maybe i should see if a group of the girlies wants to go see it, and then go out afterword, mabye at Boujis or Cafe d Paris, or Volstead, for thematic effect

and scene

The Almost Curse

Over the weekend my quasi brother in law, D, took one of their dogs to a Field Trial event, a regular occurrence for them, as they train bird dogs in this sport. At the event, a dog and his partner go around a course where the training between the two is tested in various ways. Of course the human is carrying a shotgun, and targets have to be shot (emulating wild game) during the course. This is texas, so we have live guns, live dogs, live people. There are hundreds of dogs, owner/handlers. And shotguns. And cartridges. Apparently, someone left his gun with the safety off and loaded propped next to a tree. And as happens, a toddler happened by, because contestants are urged to bring children to the event to wander around an area that has a ammunition density factor greater than Beirut. And so the child, thinking the gun was cool, began to play with it, and pulled the trigger.

The child was okay. But he shot out the back of the truck of D. Miraculously, D, nor the dog, were in the truck at the time. The luck that is the absence of them in the truck is the antithesis of the bad luck of a moron leaving his gun and a chaperone-less child picking that moron's gun to play with. Occurring within the same moment.

Last month my mother fell off her horse and broke several bones. Her neck and spine were okay. But she is about 60 and no matter what your age hurting your body to that extent in a horse fall is not rocket science.

Also this year my dad was diagnosed with cancer but it had been detected early. Thus he had surgery immediately and while we touch wood for the follow up test next month, things should be okay.
Is it a curse, these near misses? Are opportunities going to keep coming? Do they pervade our lives all the time but are usually silent and undetectable, leaving us in a doe eyed misty ignorance? Should I start carrying holy water? I do carry my protective stone. We tempt death by living, and cannot escape that. But when you do escape situations that occur to you in a whispered way rather than a forceful way, you are left with a heightened awareness of your mortality, and the mortality of those you love.

restaurant blues...and reviews

Bleeding Heart
My friends from work took me here for my birthday (I completely scored in term of culinary pressies, can't you tell!). The place is off the large streets in the city, it is quite and feels intimate from the start, probably because it is in a culdesac. The service was French and very good, verging on pretentious but not there yet. It was a good sign that most of the fellow diners were French. So many things on the menu looked amazing, which is a good sign. The wine list was a book; it was broken down into Cotes…which meant we had to ask. Now, I know my loires from my burgundies from my Bordeaux's, and even a Languedoc, rhone and Alsace. But to then break down the groups without my having visited the area proved a roadblock I did not want to go over by myself. We asked for a burgundy too we were guided to a lovely burgundy at a very good, but affordable is being to nice, price. To his credit the sommelier, of which apparently there are few in London, did not bat an eye when I said "we would like to stay in this price range". Well, okay maybe one eye.
The problem with dining in the city, and Mayfair, is that the abundance of diners on a company card nudge up the costs, because they can, so that the average punter is taking a hit.
I would love to go back here again and experience more of the menu. It was the kind of menu that deserves exploration. We ate in the restaurant, but there is a brasserie too. My friend said that now she had been to both, the former is the better option albeit at a higher price. The small rooms, the mix of antiques, the quiet pleasantness of the staff, the attention to detail in the table ware and menu detail make it worthy of a repeat experience, and as London goes, my money. The ambience would take in romantics, or relax busy corporate types with food and wine coma. What I had: a complementary amuse bouche of a fish cake, then crab salad dressed slightly with homemade mayonnaise in a homemade brioche that had been scooped out to form a bowl, fillet steak to die for with fois gras mashed potatoes (and chips on the side because it was my birthday). I had a great Muscat sticky, and they served petit fours with coffee, as you do.

Notting Hill Grill
I visited this establishment, nestled into a sumptuous residential enclave, last week. It was my first time. Consisting of three floors, the ground floor containing a small bar that did not actually abut the tables, and a first floor with a roof area on which we sat. Actually, that is only two floors, but one you step passed the wall into the patio, you feel like you are in a separate area, and not a sidewalk of the inside area.
Service was timely, and without pretension. The evening was made for this type of leisurly meal. My friend and I were able to gossip and enjoy the food, the proximity of the other guest being only mildly intrusive. I think the open space mitigated the closeness of the tables. The wine list was small but well chose and a good price range. I opted for two glasses of well priced prosecco that had an excellent nose and tempting tingle.
For what you get at this restaurant – a concerted attempt at casual luxury, unobtrusive but informal service, fresh food that reflects the season we are in as opposed to purely a cuisine-the prices are matching. But for the mains. The starters and sides were well priced and good portions – not too small or too large (because when it is this good, you will eat it all). But the Mains should have been dropped by 5£ each. And, you pay for the service- it is included at 12.5%.
Go here, what ever the weather. But unless you are famished, order a starter and a side as your main, so that at the end of the meal you don't have a tannic aftertaste.
Briefly, what I had, was two rolled pieces of proscuitto filled with crab meat and a garnish of lettuce, then whole grilled seabass that was filleted for me, and roasted Mediterranean vegetables as a side.
PS – I have a Anthony Worrall Thompson low GI cookbook, and the recipes are very good and guilt free even if you are on the food nazi diet.

My cake
I am quite proud of my cake for my birthday. Even more proud that I managed to eat only ½ of a slice more before I gave it away! For those of you that love chocolate, but think vanilla adds a touch of sophistication to a chocolate dish, this would be a cake for you. It was a round cake, ala Americana. Chocolate layers, and I had only two layers although I wish I had had three. Chocolate icing around the sides. Yeah yeah nothing special yet. But here is what gets my mouth watering when I think about it. I made cream cheese frosting using real vanilla beans. Those tiny beads of vanilla flavour are like reverse diamonds to me. They are quite sultry….They also remind me of Blue Bell Homeade Vanilla Ice cream – a favourite as a sweet on those hot summer days, or at our birthday parties. On the top of the cake, and as the middle layer, I used this frosting. And I dusted with flaked coconut (imported from the us, not the short dry stuff you find here) and chopped pecans.
I think I just wrote myself into trouble…..must have 80% dark chocolate