ghosts

Do you get the glazed look in your face when you are doing errands on the weekend? you walk around without your gaze concentrated, your subcouncious steadily working to point out sale! signs, or dodgy persons perhaps trying to pickpocket you, or doggy poo that you need to step over. And you are not looking at anything specifically but your mind is still watching. perhaps waiting for a special glimpse of odd beauty on the high street, or more likely up a side street. And when sudden movement that does not synchronise with your surrounds causes you to focus with accelerated attention, to try to find the cause of the anomoly.

There i was on high street kens, window shopping for shoes, but walking straight down the road with big sunnies on. and i was brought out of my nuetral reverie by just such a sudden movement moment. my vision focused, and i saw a man who had just come out of the music store visibly start. actually, i did not see this but my brain noticed it, and flashed it back to me. our minds do that! this person was walking away from me to the point where the walk was almost a jog. i looked at the person up and down, noticing build, hair, and clothes.

it was my ex! i have not seen him in over a year. we broke up a year and a half ago. he was devastated, and i blissfully relieved although disturbed over hurting someone and as to the reasons why i let it go on for so long with so little to value in it but for the fact that he is a lovely, sweet guy (NB not enough).

I reckon he clocked me, started, and then i noticed him as he was running away. He did not see me see him. and won't know unless he checks this blog here and there ina schadenfruede (sp? i know) kind of way. Yet this incedent made me sad. . sad that he doesn't feel up to saying hello to me. sad about what that implies about his state of healing. sad, but not apologetic, for the likely discrepency in our positions emotionally. this sadness propelled me to promise to myself that i would not do that again to me, or someone else.

how could i have gone on without sex for so long?

Do you know this man?

i went out last night to dinner. to Meditteraneo in Not Hil. Not good. do not waste your pounds there. tired menu. food bathed in salt. lackluster. just don't go. Basilica is a much better option if you need to stay in the same neighborhood.

i was talking to the person i was with, S. and S was telling me about a "friend of friend". this fof engages in a particularly disturbing behaviour. he has a scam that inolves women, texts and mms(photo messaging).

Tony receives mobile numbers of chicks that do not make his mate's cut. Tony then sms's the girls, with generic messages trying to get them to begin a sms dialogue. like, do you remember me, we met a couple months ago at blob bar, you are so cool, i had such a good time that night....

so a majority of the time tony is able to carry on sms convos over a period of time, and he does such with an intent. he has a goal. for him it is a game, and the object of it is not to meet the woman on the other end of the phone. it is not to shag her, or stalk her.

it is to receive soft porn photos. of her. which apparantly in a majority of cases Tony talks them into sending such gifts of illustration. and then when they push him to meet them in person, on a -gasp-date, he bails on them and discloses he lives with his girlfriend and can't.

true story. watch out for the tony's of this world. what a messed up mind that he needs to manipulate women into a vulnerable situation where he is not at risk, only to slice the thread of trust with them by saying their disclosures were for naught. i wonder what an appopriate commupance for him would be?

my brain for 5 minutes.

• 
  In what direction should my career go? why is this such a hard emotional question?
• 
  What should I ask in my meeting with one of the Selfridges directors regarding my business idea
• Fantasizing that they give me half a mil to start my business because clearly I am cool, sassy, confident and can create a successful business. First impressions and all that
• 
  What should I eat Friday night? What do I already have in the fridge, and how can I supplement that with some healthy but not expensive food.
• Should I call the hr person in house about the legal job?
• Where I am going to go on hols? Where can you go by yourself and have a really interesting time.
  Should I go to rome whereby I would have to spend time with, potentially intimately, with Italian playboy? Do I want that, or, could i put up with that?
  
• One of the girls in kung fu asked me why I don't go out with Neo, gorg instructor. Her boyfriend and neo are getting to be close mates. Do you think this question is on the back of a convo about me, or just fishing?
• In a parallel universe, why do I have to get my period this weekend when I am spending half of it in Portsmouth? Argh. Cramps, and frustration. Umm, I think I need some more chocolate to get through this.

• My job now is so boring. It isn't that I am perfect at it. It is that I don't have the motivation to be so perfect at it.
• Shoes. I need shoes. Should I splurge in a pair of Manohlo's [don't die, no I don't have any yet] for when I meet with the selfridge's person? Notwithstanding, I am setting aside some money for three pairs of reasonable shoes this paycheque. I own a shoe desert. Everything is falling apart or woefully unstylish. My mission, is to find 3 pairs of sassy but not , 'spensive shoes. Destination: office, berties, Kurts. Damn, why don't we have Banana here…..
• 
  Hmm, so for food, maybe a tuna steak because I accidentally over cooked the last one and it made me mad. And I have spinach and broccoli to steam. And some brown rice. And maybe some blueberries for a little blueberry crisp. I have everything but the tuna and blueberries. Oh, and will need some soy milk for next day. I will splurge on a vanilla yoghurt smoothie on train to Portsmouth. I wonder what we will eat in Portsmouth?
• Damn why do I like to eat so much. I think it occupies 80% of my thoughts.

• I want to have my kung fu class over to flat for a dinner. Let's menu…I think I will make a taco stand type buffet, margaritas, and a pumpkin pie for dessert…..
• When does Marie Antoinette come out...maybe i should see if a group of the girlies wants to go see it, and then go out afterword, mabye at Boujis or Cafe d Paris, or Volstead, for thematic effect

and scene

The Almost Curse

Over the weekend my quasi brother in law, D, took one of their dogs to a Field Trial event, a regular occurrence for them, as they train bird dogs in this sport. At the event, a dog and his partner go around a course where the training between the two is tested in various ways. Of course the human is carrying a shotgun, and targets have to be shot (emulating wild game) during the course. This is texas, so we have live guns, live dogs, live people. There are hundreds of dogs, owner/handlers. And shotguns. And cartridges. Apparently, someone left his gun with the safety off and loaded propped next to a tree. And as happens, a toddler happened by, because contestants are urged to bring children to the event to wander around an area that has a ammunition density factor greater than Beirut. And so the child, thinking the gun was cool, began to play with it, and pulled the trigger.

The child was okay. But he shot out the back of the truck of D. Miraculously, D, nor the dog, were in the truck at the time. The luck that is the absence of them in the truck is the antithesis of the bad luck of a moron leaving his gun and a chaperone-less child picking that moron's gun to play with. Occurring within the same moment.

Last month my mother fell off her horse and broke several bones. Her neck and spine were okay. But she is about 60 and no matter what your age hurting your body to that extent in a horse fall is not rocket science.

Also this year my dad was diagnosed with cancer but it had been detected early. Thus he had surgery immediately and while we touch wood for the follow up test next month, things should be okay.
Is it a curse, these near misses? Are opportunities going to keep coming? Do they pervade our lives all the time but are usually silent and undetectable, leaving us in a doe eyed misty ignorance? Should I start carrying holy water? I do carry my protective stone. We tempt death by living, and cannot escape that. But when you do escape situations that occur to you in a whispered way rather than a forceful way, you are left with a heightened awareness of your mortality, and the mortality of those you love.

restaurant blues...and reviews

Bleeding Heart
My friends from work took me here for my birthday (I completely scored in term of culinary pressies, can't you tell!). The place is off the large streets in the city, it is quite and feels intimate from the start, probably because it is in a culdesac. The service was French and very good, verging on pretentious but not there yet. It was a good sign that most of the fellow diners were French. So many things on the menu looked amazing, which is a good sign. The wine list was a book; it was broken down into Cotes…which meant we had to ask. Now, I know my loires from my burgundies from my Bordeaux's, and even a Languedoc, rhone and Alsace. But to then break down the groups without my having visited the area proved a roadblock I did not want to go over by myself. We asked for a burgundy too we were guided to a lovely burgundy at a very good, but affordable is being to nice, price. To his credit the sommelier, of which apparently there are few in London, did not bat an eye when I said "we would like to stay in this price range". Well, okay maybe one eye.
The problem with dining in the city, and Mayfair, is that the abundance of diners on a company card nudge up the costs, because they can, so that the average punter is taking a hit.
I would love to go back here again and experience more of the menu. It was the kind of menu that deserves exploration. We ate in the restaurant, but there is a brasserie too. My friend said that now she had been to both, the former is the better option albeit at a higher price. The small rooms, the mix of antiques, the quiet pleasantness of the staff, the attention to detail in the table ware and menu detail make it worthy of a repeat experience, and as London goes, my money. The ambience would take in romantics, or relax busy corporate types with food and wine coma. What I had: a complementary amuse bouche of a fish cake, then crab salad dressed slightly with homemade mayonnaise in a homemade brioche that had been scooped out to form a bowl, fillet steak to die for with fois gras mashed potatoes (and chips on the side because it was my birthday). I had a great Muscat sticky, and they served petit fours with coffee, as you do.

Notting Hill Grill
I visited this establishment, nestled into a sumptuous residential enclave, last week. It was my first time. Consisting of three floors, the ground floor containing a small bar that did not actually abut the tables, and a first floor with a roof area on which we sat. Actually, that is only two floors, but one you step passed the wall into the patio, you feel like you are in a separate area, and not a sidewalk of the inside area.
Service was timely, and without pretension. The evening was made for this type of leisurly meal. My friend and I were able to gossip and enjoy the food, the proximity of the other guest being only mildly intrusive. I think the open space mitigated the closeness of the tables. The wine list was small but well chose and a good price range. I opted for two glasses of well priced prosecco that had an excellent nose and tempting tingle.
For what you get at this restaurant – a concerted attempt at casual luxury, unobtrusive but informal service, fresh food that reflects the season we are in as opposed to purely a cuisine-the prices are matching. But for the mains. The starters and sides were well priced and good portions – not too small or too large (because when it is this good, you will eat it all). But the Mains should have been dropped by 5£ each. And, you pay for the service- it is included at 12.5%.
Go here, what ever the weather. But unless you are famished, order a starter and a side as your main, so that at the end of the meal you don't have a tannic aftertaste.
Briefly, what I had, was two rolled pieces of proscuitto filled with crab meat and a garnish of lettuce, then whole grilled seabass that was filleted for me, and roasted Mediterranean vegetables as a side.
PS – I have a Anthony Worrall Thompson low GI cookbook, and the recipes are very good and guilt free even if you are on the food nazi diet.

My cake
I am quite proud of my cake for my birthday. Even more proud that I managed to eat only ½ of a slice more before I gave it away! For those of you that love chocolate, but think vanilla adds a touch of sophistication to a chocolate dish, this would be a cake for you. It was a round cake, ala Americana. Chocolate layers, and I had only two layers although I wish I had had three. Chocolate icing around the sides. Yeah yeah nothing special yet. But here is what gets my mouth watering when I think about it. I made cream cheese frosting using real vanilla beans. Those tiny beads of vanilla flavour are like reverse diamonds to me. They are quite sultry….They also remind me of Blue Bell Homeade Vanilla Ice cream – a favourite as a sweet on those hot summer days, or at our birthday parties. On the top of the cake, and as the middle layer, I used this frosting. And I dusted with flaked coconut (imported from the us, not the short dry stuff you find here) and chopped pecans.
I think I just wrote myself into trouble…..must have 80% dark chocolate

crikey

persons in australia are killing stingrays out of supposed and implied revenge for Steve Irwin's death.

an example of how ludicrously entangled our world is.

what kind of person targets a stingray to take revenge? what is the imagined tight emotional connection between the perpetrator and the crocodile hunter?

perhaps, it is not persons, but crocodiles.

people are animals. yet we think of ourselves as different. the concept of humanity sets us humans apart. we have a conscious. and a sub and un. yet there seems to be a sliding scale of awareness of the humanity, or the presence of it. on one end of the spectrum there exists people who lack humanity, and are animal without the extra bits.

If you want to read a book that indirectly illustrates this, read Bryson's a Short History....I found it fascinating that the same dna that discovered physics also wrecks havoc on the environment, and routinely kill each other over resources since their time began. to think of humans as, well, less human, and more animal, is an interesting paradigm shift game to play.

can you dance? i can't, but neither can Kylie

when watching female popstars on their videos, you can spot those that have the Moves, and those that don't. Usually because although they want you to not notice the lack of Moves, assisted by glam shots, sexy shots, and other hot bodies through out the video, if you look closely and promise not to be unfocused, you actually see that they are not dancing at all, just posing, and shaking hips. no dancing themselves. they have tons of dancers around them doing it paula abdul style.

so, some actual dancers are - J Lo, who perfects it really. Madonna -madge actually shakes her thang, quite lo. Christina. Even BS...And of course, Beyonce. girl. if i could have 1/10th of her moves people would think i am not solely caucasion. Shakira. actually, she can show JLo some moves.

Can't: Kylie. all she does is moves slowly, showing off her perfect little body. that is it. no dance moves people. Nelly Furtado. all she does is shake her hips and look sultry in the face. The chick who sings on the Angel City songs. no dancin there. And the current ubuiquitous Lily Allen. She so bugs. But i do have respect for her song about LDN. Because she may be 2k4s, but the lyrics rock. I wonder if she wrote them.

ps - i wonder what Nelly Furtado does at dance clubs. before the big but horrid pop hits lauding her ability to devour testosterone in a single bound.

discombobulation

my brain waves are as discombobled as my posts lately.

I have to tell myself to stop thinking so much that it is an anti-mantra.

new job prospects are not zooming at me, forcing me to challenge my assumption that i am a positive person. I will remain positive about finding a change that results in a better job for me. It is hard to maintain a positive, upbeat lens on which to view things when the process exposes yourself to your weaknesses. I hate feeling weak. crying is something that i have been ashamed of.

my flat is again in a state of wreck because our bathroom is being redone and my flatmate doesn't know a thing about being a general contractor. they are walking over her and hence me by proxy. i would like ask her for a reduction in rent. i am hesitant because if she says no i can't it puts us in a quandry, full of tension. this redo was supposed to happen whilst i was gone on holiday. now, it is her that is gone. and for over a week no hot water, no shower, and for about a week we had no washing up place. i try to realign myself by stressing, again to myself, that more people in this world than do, lack running water and private loos. so there spoiled miss gl.

speaking of, going to the doctor today i sat next to a refugee on her way to the brilliant and efficient home office (cough cough). she asked me, london bridge (stilted but coherent
syllables with an increasing tone)(nod head, nod head), translated into does this bus go to london bridge, and i nodded back and said yes. her paper had the word somalia on it, and so that is where she is a refugee from. i cannot ever, ever, imagine what her life experiences up to now will be; and wonder how much better they will be here, living in a little somalia commune, probably with no rights, squashed with others, laden with a man to impregnate her asap so she cant go anywhere.

i had a random and self started conversation with a guy at starbucks the other day. we were both working on our laptops. he was a 50 something journalist, american, who covered military actions. also known as, spy. well, maybe not but i like to be a romantic.

some girls are coming over on saturday night to celebrate my birthday. i felt phat and fab when i ordered 6 bottles of champagne, and ice, to be delivered to my flat. the theme is decadence, so we are having pizza and cake too. even cooler, i have paper plates with unicorns on them. rock.

i think writing this post helped manage my stress. i feel better. the tension in my cheeks has diminished (this is a stress sign for me), and i feel more positive about the conference of annoynaces that have made me their venue of the week.

Can there be more than1 VIP Pass?

i did something v cheeky. i went on a quasi date last night.

a guy i met through my concierge club, which has a new membership IM forum.

Now, this is scandelous because i am quite serious with Builder Boy. I know he thinks it is serious. And i am feeling more and more comfortable about being with him commitedly. gulp.

i think it is a good sign when we can spend all weekend together without annoying one another. Clearly, still in the beginning romantic phase of relationship.

so why am i meeting another guy out for drinks? to test how i felt about it. do i want to see other people?

although i thought the guy was good looking, i did not feel comfortable about being there. i felt like i was being inconsiderate to BB. And i realised that i don't think i want to see other people. my ego doesn't need it. i compare other guys to BB. i dont think i am doing something right by lying about where i was that night. simply, there is a disconnect between my habitual self and where i am now and i need to close that gap.

but wait, what about last post, ohing and ahhing over WCI. well, i believe that it is possible to care for and be attracted to more than one person. So be it. but we chose just one to be in a defined relationship with. And WCI is not a choice. he is a flavour, or even a potential flavour. What i do have is a lovely guy that keeps getting lovlier calling and texting and making me laugh. And it seems to me that in the past few weeks i have seen several examples of guys with loads of money treating women very poorly. The moral of that sentance being that although initially uncomfortable and anxious over long term compatibility because the man does not make so much, it does not detract from his positive points, and i have yet to see many examples of where these cash machine guys are collecting enought positive points to even grab half a free sunday times dinner.

lastly, i have a new phrase. VIP PASS - the metaphor for when someone has passed your barriers and you decide you want to have sex with them.