the day after

again, again, i come to work very tired, headache, and feeling as if someone out there is mad at me. ah, the now typical and routine hangover. I have been out 6 nights in a row now, and last night i got really silly on champagne. I made a really stupid comment that i think came from a hiding resentment that i didn't know i had about the firm's charity fashion show (namely that i was not in it). and i made a comment to a partner. open mouth insert foot how horribly rude. i have no idea why inner monologue slash bitch just flew out of my mouth. and i feel bad about it too. i did talk to him later and maybe made up for some of it...but he probably just thinks i am a bad person. but my friend overheard me and took me to task. as she should i am glad she did. i really don't even remember saying it; it was that much of a hidden blurp.

then i left with jo in a taxi, knowing i was silly and i really needed to go home. so drunk was i that i didn't truly comprehend that she was upset about work. i should have been more sensitive. but, no! no me gusta me right now. then we had some conversation, i know a bit was about a crush i have on someone she knows, but i am not sure how much i said. i need to know if i spilled the beans 10% or 110%....oh dear. she seems amused by me, but not mad. so we will go see a movie this weekend and damage control that one item. i do remember getting home in cab, and getting ready for bed by actually washing and lotioning my face....but i don't remember being ashamed or embarrassed or oopsy about anything i said... and lets face it, i have many things under wraps right now.

one of them is going to Norwich to do a photo shoot to try out for a potential agent. Bring on the presenting career! we will see. i think it is fun to push the boundries of how you see yourself and what your abilities are. confidence won is confidence that is hard to part with I believe.

I am still thinking about going to talk with this other firm about a new position. But, after talking with the woman who works with me that is leaving here, I know that there would be a really ugly, nasty exit here. That is worrysome. And i have respect and good feelings for where i work now and even the partners, as mercurial as the leading lady can be. It would all be ruined. I had thought an option would be to say look, this is what i can do in the market, can you match the offer? but having thought about it more, i think they would take a huge offence and push me out for even thinking it. punish me for playing games in a way. sigh. so what to do now? i may still go talk to the other firm for the experience, and just play things as they come. and i will keep searching for more information on personalities involved so that i can understand the consequences of my decision. if only we could do that in all aspects of our lives. especially the romatic ones.

crazy corner

i have been wanting to write on my blog but have been so busy that i could not stop and take the time out to do so. for me there is a certain amount of internal pressure to be creative and let loose the right side of my brain on my blog. but if i can't let it have free rein, then i don't really want to venture in that territory at all.
do you ever notice how we really want to use idioms and catch phrases to express ourselves? i try very hard not as a way of challenging myself to be creative. think outside the box...get the irony?
so busy with kat in town again, yeah! which i love, despite being hard on the pocket book and waist line. work is really busy, and i am contemplating looking at other positions too, due to the recruiter incident. there are loads of complications with that story. And then there is the quie of men that i am lucky to have. yet at the same time, none of them strike me as potential for relatioinships. and i like being able to flit around as a single girl, but the fun in that is knowing i have the power of not being in the wrong relationship, which begs the question, which is the right one? that is what i will find at some point.
until then, bring on the queue, the booze,and the fun girl time.

luck be a lazy

i am very busy at my job thus my post frequency is decreasing.
However, it is nice to feel i finally have a job. No more faffing, but actually writing, and analysing.
But also the criticism from the partners. I am much better at taking criticism than I was a few years ago. I really have been able to divorce myself from it personally for the most part. And I have friends to whinge with, and at the end we realise it isn't personal, but a part of the critisicor's personality.

Also, in the US where i worked there was pressure with criticism; as if one more critique and you could be fired. and the labor market is much more fluid. Partners were always subtley telling you that your position could be filled at any moment, you were lucky to be there, taking their crap...corporate america is one big mind f$$k.

In the UK, not so much. I don't think they would have an easy time finding another of me. I see associates critiqued all the time, but not to the detriment of job security. I think when you have a higher level of confidence, criticism becomes less harsh in terms of perception.

Now i am finally working for my lovely pay checque. but then i decide to talk with recruiters this m0rning about a position. One that on the outset i may not be too qualified for. but after talking with the smooth talking recruiters, i feel like i have stars in my eyes. and pound signs. The way they talk, you think all you have to do is meet some people and the job is your... how do they do that? create a fantasy world in a 45 minute conversation? enough to get you to envision major life changes to occur within a few months?
however, the job does sound like an upward move. I am a little scared, but I think i will explore. Drats those recruiters! I was enjoying being lazy.

looks really silly

one of my pet peeves is being driven about by this man at work. he is a slightly new employee who works in my subsection. he seems nice enough. if he has gotten here, he has to be smart. but how smart is he? there are different types of smart, like there are different types of snow. and relationships. not that the British Dating System recognises the latter. but, another day.

So mr. smart maybe law smart. and we can probably even drill down and say he is tax and accounting smart and corporate britain smart in the sense he has moved up in the...
[wow weird he just called me for a question...my life is weird like that...again, another blog time]
There is also sartorial smart, wine smart, physically smart, and Smart. And that is just the 'smarts' for the male race, there are many more for females.
But what this man is NOT, is sartorial smart. It is truly grating to the eyes that he wears his security id clipped to his belt. The end. That is it. But in annoys me so much that i can whip myself into a bad mood by the merest vision. Why? 'Why' i want yell at him. You rarely need it... It doesn't need to be seen on your person. ..And it fits in your pocket easily too. ..Yet the display of red and grey with pictorial proof on your waist...well, i don't know but it gets on my nerves. Look, we are not an engineering firm, or a government building. Please, put the badge away sir. Nothing. To. See. Here.

cirque d' sold out

ugh! tonight we have our legal practice groups' client appreciation drinks at somerset house.

this is such a naff ordeal. as a consultant to the practice group, they are my clients, not the actual companies we bill. so I know no one, and have no work history. i go with the burden of having to pure blow boloney at any person i talk too.

also, after a 25 ish day drinkathon whith only 4 sober days pepparing that run, i am off drinking. i actually don't even want to drink. my body is enjoying the cleanse. i had a lovely dinner of salmon, and spinach/artichoke/prawn/asparagus salad. my skin cells are humming again.

last year it was miserable. trying to talk to people, and un-latching from clients without social graces, which is 99.9%, trying not to talk to friends at work so that i could actually feel like an employee that is doing her job. And for my efforts? 25 awkward pauses, 5 conversations that were more to the nosehairs of the horribly ungroomed beyond 50 year old bankers, 1 attempt at entering the mens instead of the ladies (oops), and 1 nasty canape consumed that probably left my breath smelling like a salmon spawning zone.

A quick diatribe on the grooming habits of british men post 50. It is disgusting. Do they rub rogain on their nose and ears? and i don't just mean the insides of their nose! i remember, unfortunately vividly, going to lunch with a notable City commentator who seemed to think it was acceptable, and maybe even attractive, to have 3 inchlong wiskers growing out of the top of his nose!! oh gosh, i am feeling sick...if ever need to supress appetite i will just re-read this sentence. I don't think i even need to go into the teeth, breath and comb-over issue.

I don't want to spend too much time there. As long as i talk to two clients, i will feel that i have discharged enough my employee duty. And one of the two must be with, in tandem or near a parter of mine so that my discharge is duly noted. No canapes, Pelligrino only. I plan on leaving by 7:20. The key to this is attack rather than defense. In and out, quickly. ironically, the same strategy i have with men i want to pull. hmmm, must think on that one....

Ba$&ard Wan&&er ASBO Hoodie Scum

i was attempted mugged last night going to the Westbourne pub as I was walking from Westbourne Park. It was a very frightening experience. It was also an eye open-er. It only takes a few seconds, and your instincts to be out of synch, and bam, all your things are taken. It only makes it worse for me that I don't think I can say "how can someone even do that". Some people rant against the mindset of purpatrator, refusing the believe how anyone could do that. I think that is a wast of time, and also I can see. First of all, here I was, easy mark, walking with prada handbag and looking like i had money. As i was walking to a popular pub, easy bet I had some cash. Here comes Hoodie Youth 1, on his cycle, wizzing past me and grabbing my handbag nonchalantly. Probably trying to look as cool and win some points with Hoodie Youth 2-5, who were loitering in the trees as we walked by. They are poor, stupid, plightless, and angry at the havers when they live the havenot life every day.

This handbag has angels surrounding it. I also almost lost it once in Barcelona. Miraculously, it was found at the nightclub, everything intact.

I think HY 1 did not realise i had my hand entagled in the straps, and thought I would be really simple. He did not use much force. Which is my blessed luck, because he started pulling me with him, and somehow without thinking i jerked my hand and purse back toward me, freed it from his grasp. I also got the satisfaction of saying Fuck Off you Ass Hole. I am shaking just talking about it. The memory is surreal.

Not only have I been saying prayers and thanking my guardian angels, I will be extremely diligent about closing, keepings near my body, and entangling my handbags!! you be carefull too, whether hand- or manbag.

Also, bizzarely I really hope that in ego and testosterone driven frustration from not stealing my purse, that HY 1 does not retaliate on the world by doing something even worse.

hangin around

so last night kat and i went out. went to cube and star, which was really cool. it could have been a bit more crowded, but i did like. they do the black and white theme well, and differently. it reminded me less of typical london, and more of NYC. a compliment! i think the prices were london reasonable, and food very good too. then we went to Sosho, and i was less impressed ,although usually reliable, except for Blazo the Macedonian bartender, who made very nice drinks and gave us free shots. Before dinner by the way, we were having champagne. Then we met a couple of guy friends at a random hotel bar. then we had martinis. then we went back to their flat and polished off more than 1 bottle of champagne.

get the picture?
i really think i still may be under the influence. and tonight, we do it again.
I don't remember the end of the evening, but i woke up locked in the bathroom where i had passed out. fun fun!

natural high

It has been too long since my last blog. I was on holiday for a week an a half. I went to Rome, Milan, Italian alps, swiss alps, and Venice. I will have to retroactively fill you in on these adventures, a little at a time.

Highlights:
Being shown around Rome by handsome italian man
Good shopping at Max Mara and Miss 60. And Fendi. and Cavalli.
Unfortunately having my good friend's camera stolen whilst on my watch. i cried.
Beach trip to Tuscany.
Climbing swiss alp at an altitude of 11,000 feet
Unfortunately Not getting on well with the other women at the Alps portion of the trip.

Now it was my birthday on monday. again i cried. in a happy emotional way though. i seriously love life and living right now, and am just blessed to have my experiences. You know they say when in Rome...well i know say, when in Life...

I found out whilst on holls that best mate Kat is coming today for my birthday. I have a fancy dress party for it this saturday. Theme: Dukes of Hazzard!! more like, hazzard zone...

Italian dude was in town and we went out yesterday. He is just a bit of fun, but so charming that it is effortless to be around. Which is unlike what i am accustomed to, being the anti-sensual American Protestant. I need to learn these things whilst still young.

So, in sum, I need to recap some of the holiday adventures on my blog. Have no pics as of yet as camera stolen. I have a party and my best mate to keep me busy in terms of social fun and stories.. and i am happy to be happy.

ciao, ciao.