a modicum of manners

I am in the preparation chamber, strapping my space suit on and doing a pre-flight check. Getting things in order for the launch. T minus - 8 work days, T minus 6 days actually at the office.....hols here i come!

Slightly hung over from the theatre/dinner experience with mate and two guys in the quasi-double date which was loads of fun although i continue not to be interested in the guy that i was paired with. Why? one, his teeth. Not pretty/straight/healthy enough. Two, from the beginning he set himself up as being the perennial bachelor love to have fun aren't i a challenge don't you want to be the one to catch me guy. I love having fun too and don't have marriage as a box to be ticked; but i would rather spend energy on guys who do not have loads of baggage or play games even if not conciously. This is a change for me-but i think it is something called maturity, not to be confused with age. Three, well, mostly the teeth thing, but i don't have the chemical attraction to push me into bed with him regardless of the baggage at the foot of it. Four, he dresses strangely. This is an area where few men get it absolutely right, a few get it very wrong, and most need a bit of assistance now and then but not always. Purple shirt with attached jumper-vest? Leather snakeskin gucci loafers? really tight jeans? admitting you like to wear lots of bright colours and often get mistaken for gay? yep, that is him.

I said to my friend J as we were necking a glass of wine pre-date that this guy, Lambo man, has a strange sense of dressing. Odd sartorial style is a better way. I asked J along when Lambo asked me if i had a friend for his friend C. As it happens, a mate of mine is on sabbatical, has the time and could meet at a reasonable hour (as opposed to my other City friends who are chained to their desks until 4am on deals), and hasn't had a date in ages. I reckoned, she needs to get on that horse and remember what it is like to make small talk with complete strangers with a smile on your face. How better to practice then on a guy that didn't ask you out, you don't ever have to see again, and no one is presuming is a love connection? about as low pressure as it comes.

Outside Richmond station, i spy the two dudes walking towards us, both in denim and white shirts. Lambo isn't wearing an odd bright colour, or strange cut, although the snakes are coming at me at ground level. J, i say, allow me to introduce Lambo and C. Hi, she says, So, she turns to Lambo, Holly tells me you dress strangely but you look fine to me!"

Did you get that? opening comment was a open mouth insert both of my feet comment handed to me by my mate. I was, for the second time this week, mortified. My friend is so miserably out of practice regarding small talk and flirty conversation that she actually dumps me in the water! And a score of Nil for her on the dating etiquette portion of the evening. I had to apologise several times and plump up his ego. All because my friend needs manners and mouth 101 class. I will not be asking her along again. Not without duct tape.

A spectrum of life

It has been one of those weeks where i feel like a small planet travelling through an asteroid belt, unable to make but the smallest of movements to dodge unexpected obstacles in my way, with an occasional good thing being thrown my way. Or perhaps, more like the captain of the almost always about to break down Millenium Falcon, trying to get somewhere, but having to do alot of work to get there.

Let us start with the good. My friend Em called me, and i was able to catch up with her on the phone. It was a great suprise to start of the week. Owing to the NYC-London time difference, and her intense work hours as a chef, it is impossible to speak. I also received a call from the modelling agency on which i am on the books of. I haven't heard from them in a year, and assumed they had removed my picture because the last few times they called, last year, i was on holiday. No suprise, as i am usually on holiday once a month. I haven't received confirmation, but i might go on a shoot in a couple of weeks. I also heard from my crazy friend Sarah, with which i have had many a printable night...usually the all-night-vv lashed-pulling potential type nights. We are planning another Here Comes Trouble evening. K is back from her US tour d' family force, and i get to visit with her in France soon.

On the nuetral ground, both work and social life seem to be in a constant state of flux. There is a particular phenomenon in London this time of year whereby everyone tries to pack in seeing friends and family before the masses leave for long summer hols; otherwise it is until October that you see people. So i have sketched out a calendar on a piece of paper with squares on which i have plans written in pencil. And every hour or so squares move. meetings are cancelled and new ones formed; friends change dates (wdky, i am not dinging you not to worry), events planned ebb and flow with attendence numbers; bookings have to be altered and texts have to be sent franticlly "what about this date", "or that date", c u soon, lookg 4ward, ok sweetie", etc...

I am seeing a guy i met through my concierge club tonight i think. He works for them, introduced himself on the phone, and gave me his mobile in case we could cross paths that night. eh? ok... so we did end up at a club and i met him. i always assume i must make the worst impression when i am that drunk, but he texted/called later and wanted to hang out again. I remember him, but i think that it is a social connection as opposed to romantic one. But because i am focusing energy on, and am beginning to realise that i truly care for, for now, mr. p[ortsmouth], that works excellently for me. Tomorrow i am going to a play with Lambo man, his friend and a girlfriend of mine. this seems odd to me because Lambo and i had one of those "lets just be friends" email dialogues. We certainly never got to know each other enough to wear a groove on the friendship path. but he emailed and wanted to meet up, and asked if i could bring a friend for his. hence, the quasi double date. ish. I realise that i always assume friends unless proven otherwise. This might be a ghost of holly past when i was so insecure that i assumed a guy would not like me to ward off being hurt and dissappointed. But now i think i do it because it makes life easy. It makes life easy because if a guy is clearly showing interest in me, meaning assuming other than friends, then i feel this PRESSURE TO LIKE THEM BACK, i feel myself making snap judgements and i get quite anxious. If i exist in the maybe illutionary just friends bubble, i am able to act like myself sans barriers, and stop my overanalytical mind from making judgements. It is a mental game i play with myself.

Speaking of games that people play, i knew i would eventually hear from Boy From Work. After the lets do stuff, i have grown up speach, you may remember he promptly ran away. when he sent an i have been a rubish friend, i am sorry email, i snapped back, who are you, i dont' think i remember you...ding. Now, 4 weeks later, he calls up, hey, lets go to lunch. To which i replied, sure, that would be nice. Because, i am going to be brave and follow my advice and stick up for myself by calling his game playing immature behaviour out. The breaking up the friendship discussion will commence. I deserve to tell him my feelings, and he should here how his actions are received. And, btw, my feelings are that he is a disrespectful friend bordering on dishonest and not worth my energy as a friend. It is not about you hurt me, or led me on, it is about, communicate, be honest, no double standards, or get lost you are wasting my friendship time. It is noon now, and i have not heard from him though.

I had Kung Fu last night. And i horribly embarrased myself. I went into the pub, bought a round because it was my turn; pulled out my card, and the bartender said i can't take that, and i said why not, and he said because we dont take cards, and said oh, well, can you hold on a few minutes while i go down the street and get money, to which he gave me a Look. Excuse me with the Look? how else t/f do you want me to pay for these drinks? so what are my options old man bartender? there isn't a sign that says no cards so cut it out with the Look. well, i only thought the last part, as my face is in flames, because Hottie Instructor is behind me and pays for the round. I said thank you of course, and added in, i am absolutely mortified, that is so nice of you. but i wasn't just mortified. i was Mortified, no, actually, MORTIFIED. and, to make it worse, just before that he handed me my watch which i had left in the studio. look in dictionary, under the word Idiot, see me.

I am writing across the spectrum from good to bad and we are almost at the worst. which is the meeting i am about to have with my partner on a client article i wrote. the markups should be ghastly. it is beyond frustrating that she tells you in vague terms to write something, you do, and then she rewrites what she wanted in the first place, but forgot to give you the memo, re: what is in my mind, can't you read it, and looks at you like you are stupid for not being able to translate her brainwaves. But, i keep telling myself, that this is what my paycheque is for. the inability to read minds.... so, here i go.....

Well, that was okay. it could have been worse, but i hate the sentences which are bracketed because she uses that to mean, explain this. as if it is a doctoral degree thesis interview. Argh, argh! So i come back, and it is almost 1, and who comes striding in my office but The Boy. Are you lunching today? instinctively, protectively, i say no, i just got a doc back from my Partner and i have to work on it. Thus, in the dictionary, under the word Wimp, alas a picture of me. Not that i could have had that discussion at the work cafeteria. But having just been bombarded for almost an hour, i did not have the energy myself to bombard. And i was annoyed at the last minute lunch request. how about a respectful of people's time 11 oclockish email that says, at what time could you go to lunch today?

wednesday. just, wednesday.

Pop Quiz

In London the ambiance is overwhelmed with the memory of the confusion and inescapism caused by the bombs on the London underground one year ago.

Rather than writing an essay or thought piece on the topic, i thought i would pose some questions to anyone who happens to read my blog. These are questions that i ask myself but a more powerful answer lies in what a group of people think.

Do you think there were anti-UK terrorist cells generated here, as opposed to migrated, before 9-11?

What do you like or dislike most about the phrase "war on terror"?

Can you distinguish between the conflicts in Afghanistan and Iraq?

Do you think Iran is attempting to generate nuclear weapons rather than solely nuclear fuel?

If you live in London, are there still times when you study with anxiety the bearing of a fellow transport dweller who appears Arab/Middle Eastern?

Will this "war on terror" conflict dissolve in our lifetime (ie the next 50 years)? and why?

What would happen if Western troops pulled out of Iraq?

Is there a secret global hegemonial society consisting of the top world leaders which has as its agenda a neo-imperialist resource domination at the expense of other cultures (i.e. conspiracy theory?)

I hope one of these questions interests you enough to comment.